Five Mistakes Parents Make with Their Child’s Grandparents
Dr. James Emery White
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By Dr. James Emery White, Crosswalk.com
The responses to my recent blog on the mistakes grandparents can make with the parents of their grandchildren had a consensus request: how about a post on mistakes parents can make with the grandparents of their children?
Fair enough. And it’s an important conversation to have. Except for the church, nothing compares to the family in terms of cultural importance. As Paul and Diana Miller have written, every family should be a “Family Trinity,” three generations consisting of grandparents, parents, and children. A healthy three-generation trinity is what optimizes the raising of healthy and functional young people.
However, when there is a relational breakdown in that trinity, everyone suffers—and perhaps grandchildren most of all. As mentioned in the earlier blog, the breakdown isn’t usually between the parent and the child, or the grandparent and the grandchild, but rather between the parent and the grandparent.
Five of the most common mistakes grandparents can make were outlined in the earlier blog. Here are five of the most common mistakes parents can make:
Mistake #1: Making Them Grandparents on Eggshells
The first mistake that many parents make is having so many areas of sensitivity, not to mention interactive demands, that the grandparent feels like they are walking on eggshells around your child. In an article in The Atlantic, Kerry Byrne, the founder of the Long-Distance Grandparent, a business focused on helping grandparents build relationships with their grandchildren, told the reporter that today there are:
... a whole lot of rules for grandparents to follow. The strictures govern what gifts kids are allowed, the foods they can eat, the words to use around them (and those to avoid), the schedule to adhere to, screen-time limits (if screen time is allowed), and now, how to greet their grandchild. She said she worries that some parents have “gone wild with boundaries,” and that many grandparents are “grandparenting on eggshells.”
Result? “Parents can run the risk of overcorrection. Navigating so many rules can be confusing and ‘emotionally wearing’ for grandparents.” The article ends by pointing out a very important truth: most grandparents want to do what’s best for their grandkids, but they don’t always know what that is—and parents aren’t always the best at explaining the logic behind their rules.
Mistake #2: Weaponizing Your Child
It doesn’t take a parent long to discover how much power they have with their parent in relation to their child. The grandparents want time with their grandchildren; you are in control of when, where, and how often that happens. That is completely appropriate and how it should be. What isn’t healthy is when you weaponize your child in a way that uses interaction with the child as punishment or reward. Have whatever boundaries you feel are necessary (and sometimes they may need to be significant), but don’t have interaction with your child become embroiled with interpersonal conflict you may be having with your parent.
This is going to be contentious, but I’ll say it. Grandparents have rights, too. They do not have automatic rights, legally, to see their children, but all 50 states have laws that allow them to petition a court for visitation or custody rights under certain circumstances. But don’t let it get that far. The point is that certain relational, familial rights should exist in the minds of a parent for no other reason than the relationship that exists between a grandparent and a grandchild, and the deep love they hold for your child.
So boundaries, yes. But don’t let boundaries become a euphemism for punitive damages.
Mistake #3: Underestimating Their Feelings
Your parents love your child. You may bristle at the idea that they love your child as much as you do, but... they probably do. Would you give your life for your child? They probably would, too. They feel toward your child the way they felt toward you as their child. Don’t believe it? Fair enough. I didn’t either... until I became a grandparent and held that first little girl in my arms, the daughter of my daughter. If you had told me I loved her less than ANYONE in the world, we’d have had words. Until you are a grandparent, you really have no idea how strong and deep that love flows. So get this down: their love for your child is parental in nature.
Mistake #4: Assuming They Don’t Know... Anything
It is common for parents to think that the world of parenting has changed so much from when they were raised by their parents that their parents have little to offer in the way of insight. The reason is that, due to the internet, you are inundated with seemingly endless amounts of information. What you do not have access to is wisdom. Your parents may not know the latest details on the best car seats, but they may know a lot about how to interact with a child (and the behavior of the child) in that car seat. Don’t ever forget that what you need is not more information, but rather wisdom to go along with the information. And that is what your parent has in abundance.
Mistake #5: Devaluing Their Role
I wrote about the importance of grandparents in the life of a grandchild in an earlier blog, parts of which bear repeating. Specifically, how in Proverbs it says, “A good life gets passed on to the grandchildren...” (13:22, Msg). That’s a very clear statement and an intriguing one: the good life of a grandparent can be passed along to the grandchild. When Paul wrote to Timothy, commenting on his strong faith, he went out of his way to point out how that faith got planted in his life:
“I write this to you, Timothy, the son I love so much....
“Every time I say your name in prayer—which is practically all the time—I thank God for you.... I miss you a lot, especially when I remember that last tearful good-bye, and I look forward to a joy-packed reunion.
“That precious memory triggers another: your honest faith—and what a rich faith it is, handed down from your grandmother Lois to your mother Eunice, and now to you!” (II Timothy 1:2-5, Msg)
Timothy didn’t have a Christian father. But his grandmother was a Christian, and she handed that faith down to Timothy’s mother, and then together, they gave it to Timothy. The strategic importance of the role of his grandmother in his faith was so clear to the apostle Paul that he wrote about it. And it is important for us to remember that so important is the role of grandparents in a child’s life, particularly spiritually, that the Holy Spirit inspired Paul to write it so that even to this day, we could be reminded of it.
According to a national study of religious parents in the United States conducted under the leadership of sociologist Christian Smith, a professor of sociology at Notre Dame, we know that the most powerful causal influence on the religious lives of American teenagers and young adults is the religious lives of their parents.
But that’s not all that Smith’s research found. Along with the importance of parents was the importance of grandparents. Specifically, the importance of grandparents in reinforcing the parents.
There is a disproportionate impact when a child sees another adult whom they know and love – and particularly a grandparent – saying the same things as their parents, modeling the same things as their parents. If they see me as their Papa reading the Bible, praying, talking to them about God and my own relationship with Jesus, it affects them deeply. They may feel comfortable asking questions of their Nana that they wouldn’t ask their own mother. In essence, we are partners in raising that child intellectually, emotionally, physically, and spiritually.
So work hard on incorporating your parents into the life of your family. After all,
... they are part of it.
James Emery White
Sources
Paul and Diana Miller, A Guide to Great Grandparenting.
Christian Smith and Amy Adamczyk, Handing Down the Faith: How Parents Pass their Religion on to the Next Generation.
Rheana Murray, “‘Grandparenting on Eggshells,’” The Atlantic, November 26, 2025, read online.
Related Article
Five Mistakes to Avoid as a Christian Grandparent
Photo credit: ©Getty Images/Motortion
James Emery White is the founding and senior pastor of Mecklenburg Community Church in Charlotte, NC, and a former professor of theology and culture at Gordon-Conwell Theological Seminary, where he also served as their fourth president. His latest book, Hybrid Church: Rethinking the Church for a Post-Christian Digital Age, is now available on Amazon or from your favorite bookseller. To enjoy a free subscription to the Church & Culture blog, visit churchandculture.org where you can view past blogs in our archive, read the latest church and culture news from around the world, and listen to the Church & Culture Podcast. Follow Dr. White on X, Facebook, and Instagram at @JamesEmeryWhite.
