Five Mistakes to Avoid as a Christian Grandparent
Dr. James Emery White
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By Dr. James Emery White, Crosswalk.com
I recently blogged about my vision for grandparenting. With 16 grandchildren, I’d better have a vision.
But I also better have a sense of how to be a grandparent—and not just to my grandchildren, but also how to be a grandparent in relation to my grandchildren’s parents. Let’s state the obvious: the tensions surrounding grandparenting are not between the grandparent and the grandchild, but rather between the grandparent and the parent(s) of that grandchild.
So here are five “grandparent-to-parent” mistakes to avoid at all costs:
Mistake #1: Treating Your Children as Children
Yes, they are your children. But no, they are no longer a child. Do not treat them as one. They are just as adult as you were when you raised them. One of my grandchildren told me, “You are my mommy’s daddy, so you can tell her what to do!” Yes, I am, but no, I can’t. More to the point, I shouldn’t even try.
Mistake #2: Confusing Help with Interference
I don’t know of a single parent who wouldn’t appreciate genuine help with their children. But there is a difference between helping and interfering. Helping is babysitting; interfering is telling them what they should be doing. Helping is offering to clean up; interfering is taking over the discipline of the child. Helping is always welcomed; interfering is always maddening. The distinction is that helping is approaching someone with a towel over your arm to serve in ways they both want and need to be served; interference is about control.
Mistake #3: Undermining Instead of Reinforcing
If your child asks you to do things a certain way, or handle things a certain way, or abide by certain rules, then do it. Too many grandparents purposefully do what they know the parents do not want done just to be belligerent or to cling to how they think things should be done. Your job is to reinforce what the parents are saying, teaching, maintaining, and practicing. If they don’t want them to watch something, don’t let them watch it. If they don’t want them to eat something, don’t let them eat it. If they tell a child they can’t do something, don’t tell them they can. Reinforce, don’t undermine. This includes upholding what the parent has asked for in terms of safety and security. It doesn’t matter how you parented—honor their wishes. Your goal is to reinforce, not undermine.
But what if they say, “Don’t talk to them about God.” Then don’t. Tell them that you’ll have to give honest answers to honest questions, and that you can’t airbrush your faith out of your life, but agree not to undermine them. If you don’t, they will simply remove the child from your influence altogether, which would keep God completely out of their lives. Simply live your faith out authentically, and you will influence your grandchildren more than you could imagine. But if you actively undermine your child, you will simply burn the relational bridge you have with your grandchild that can bring God into the picture organically. You can read more about this here.
Mistake #4: Failing to Accept Changes
When it comes to parenting today, two things have changed since you parented. First, parenting styles—meaning the ways people might be choosing to parent. Spanking may have been common for your generation of parenting, but you must accept that it might be uncommon, if not frowned upon, today. It’s not about whether that’s good or bad, right or wrong, just that there can be changes in parenting styles that you will need to both accept and respect. A second change is the parenting context—meaning the challenges parents are facing. When I raised my four children, I did not have to contend with the internet, much less the iPhone. Most parents today would tell you that technology is their number one challenge. We must have the humility to remember that we simply didn’t have to face this challenge and, as a result, might want to be slower on the draw in telling them how they should handle it.
Mistake #5: Playing Favorites
First, the reality. There will be certain grandchildren you enjoy more than others. Not love more, but enjoy more. They are easier for you, there is natural chemistry, and they respond stronger to you than others. But do not let that surface. Treat each grandchild with the same care and concern. Give the same level of gifts, grant equal amounts of time and attention. Grandparents can get careless with this dynamic, and it can drive a wedge between you and the parents.
I love being Papa to my grandchildren, but the nature and depth of my relationship with those 16 precious grandchildren is built on the nature and depth of my relationship with their parents. So, let’s add another mistake to our list,
... which would be forgetting just that.
James Emery White
Sources
Dr. Perri Klass, “5 Common Mistakes Grandparents Make, According to a Pediatrician,” The Washington Post, November 17, 2025, read online.
Paul and Diana Miller, A Guide to Great Grandparenting.
Related Article
4 Lessons Grandparents Can Teach the Next Generation
The views expressed in this commentary do not necessarily reflect those of CrosswalkHeadlines.
James Emery White is the founding and senior pastor of Mecklenburg Community Church in Charlotte, NC, and a former professor of theology and culture at Gordon-Conwell Theological Seminary, where he also served as their fourth president. His latest book, Hybrid Church: Rethinking the Church for a Post-Christian Digital Age, is now available on Amazon or from your favorite bookseller. To enjoy a free subscription to the Church & Culture blog, visit churchandculture.org where you can view past blogs in our archive, read the latest church and culture news from around the world, and listen to the Church & Culture Podcast. Follow Dr. White on X, Facebook and Instagram at @JamesEmeryWhite.
