Trad Sons or Just Treading Water? When Adult Sons Stay Home with Parents
Guest Commentary
Audio By Carbonatix
By Peyton Garland, Crosswalk.com
While “trad wives” (traditional housewives) have made headway on the cultural homefront, and certainly on social media, a new term has infiltrated their communities. Some traditional wives are thrilled, while others deem this new idea antithetical to the movement. “Trad sons” or “hub-sons” are grown men who choose to stay at home with their families and don’t work outside the house. They help with household chores, like taking out the trash and fixing leaky pipes, run errands for the family, and participate in family events, but they don’t fulfill the typical role as the “provider” for everyone at home.
Whether you agree with or adhere to traditional cultural roles or not, it’s important to consider a few questions in light of this new “trad sons” movement: Are parents coddling kids or protecting them from overwhelming debt in a really hard economic environment? Are these young adults lazy? Are parents keeping them from their full potential by overprotecting them?
As a believer of almost twenty years, I’ve learned that while the Bible is black and white concerning many things, there are issues, especially modern cultural ideas, that leave believers without definitive guidance. These gray areas require us to seek big, overarching themes in Scripture and to observe our hearts and the nature by which we pursue answers.
Whether a concerned parent or friend, or even a trad son unsure of his decision, consider these realities:
The Economic Reality
Perhaps it’s tacky, but I must brag on my husband and share that this week, he completes his captain’s training and will officially be flying in the lead seat as a pilot for Delta’s regional airline. He is truly accomplished in his career and provides so well that I have the great privilege of staying home with my son. However, and this is a big however, we spent years digging in deep, making sacrifices, and seeing negative dollars in the bank account to reach this lifestyle.
We also had help from my parents. Often. There were several instances in between my husband and me changing jobs and/or moving when we lived with my parents. It was always short-term, for a few months, but it gave us a head start towards our financial goals when we were able to save money that would’ve been spent on three or four months’ rental fees. My parents also supplied a large, generous financial gift when my husband and I bought our dream farmhouse.
It’s dangerously judgmental to assume that each adult man living at home, even if he isn’t holding down a full-time job, is a lazy bum. My husband had to leave a steady, good-paying job to attend flight school. I worked three jobs to sustain our family for the nine months it took him to complete training. He was certainly not lazy. He just knew that culturally abnormal moves must be made for us to get to a better position in life.
Consider biblical times when parents, children, grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins lived together under one roof. It was in the name of survival, in keeping costs low and having many hands to make ends meet. The reality is that we live in a tumultuous economy. Gone are the days when neighbors would come together and help build your log cabin, which obviously didn’t demand a mortgage or property taxes. Being self-sufficient is a different bear in our world because community is rarely practiced. We mustn’t forget that when someone’s everyday duties look different than expected.
The Heart Reality
The hard, sad truth is that anybody can abuse any opportunity in life. If a grown man is staying at home without setting and accomplishing goals towards a self-sustainable future, that is certainly a concern to address. If they aren’t helping out at the house or aiding family where they can, that’s a character issue. By all means, through love, respect, and Scripture, call out their immature behavior. Don’t tolerate economic abuse. But remember, just because someone identifies with a certain label, calling themselves a trad son as they begin a new business endeavor or get back on their feet after a divorce, that doesn’t mean you, in turn, should judge the label.
We often forget that we shouldn’t judge because God Himself will judge—and He is far better at pursuing and ensuring justice than we are. Reflect on Christ’s command: “Do not judge, or you too will be judged. For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you. Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye?” (Matthew 7:1-3).
The Newsfront Reality
This new debate makes me consider the recent government shutdown and how it has threatened those who receive SNAP benefits. I’ve seen so many people jump on social media to share that the people on these government programs should “just get a job” or “don’t have [children] if they can’t afford them.” I recognize and agree that we should work hard, through whatever means, to provide for our families, and I believe we should be as financially stable (as possible) before having children. Of course, God gave us brains. However, it’s crucial to recognize that when we make assumptions, we are trying to act as God. We are saying that we recognize the problem and know the solution for everyone.
Friends, everyone’s situation is different. Some people on SNAP benefits are single mothers whose husbands left them with three children to provide for on their own. Some are veterans who came home fighting PTSD and couldn’t hold down a job while seeking proper mental health treatment. Others are simply trying their best, both parents working, but they can’t force someone to hire them or give them a raise, and landlords are often thoughtless as they continue raising prices each month.
It’s easy to say that when someone is different from us, they are bad. It’s a strange, unintentional defense mechanism that I believe we use to justify how we live. However, we forget how little control we truly have in life. We forget that we are only one phone call away from someone saying our job has been outsourced. We are just one knock on the door away from discovering a spouse has died or served us divorce papers. We are one doctor’s visit away from a diagnosis that will change everything.
Life is complicated. It’s messy. And it’s impossible to fit each human into a narrow, rigid box.
Let us remember that while believers are commanded to call out other believers when they are living in sin (Matthew 18:15-17), we aren’t called to make assumptions about someone’s choice to stay at home. If they come to us for advice or invite us into a conversation concerning their choice, that is one thing. If they are boasting in how they abuse their privilege of staying at home, by all means, remind them of the biblical consequences of their behavior (see Proverbs).
But if our biggest concern is identifying them as lazy or wonderful or however else we want to define them, we’ve forgotten that we were called to love, not label. Judging others is exhausting. Trust me, I judged others as a way to avoid my own sins for years. It’s much easier to simply serve those around you, and by pursuing service and love, truth and righteousness will prevail.
Photo credit: ©GettyImages/Alessandro Biascioli
Peyton Garland is an author, editor, and boy mama who lives in the beautiful foothills of East Tennessee. Subscribe to her blog Uncured+Okay for more encouragement.
