6 Ways You're Unknowingly Hurting Your Wife
Marriage
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By Keren Kanyago, Crosswalk.com
No well-meaning husband schemes on how to hurt his wife. We all tie the knot anticipating glorious sunny days ahead. But as time passes, many couples find themselves writhing in discontentment and nursing heartaches. If a husband commits to studying his wife, he will learn her love language and avoid hurting her. But if he couldn't be bothered to learn what enchants her, he risks dampening her spirits. Here are six ways through which you could be unknowingly hurting your wife.
1. Withholding Affection
Most wives relish affection from their husbands - they could never get enough of it. In his book, His Needs, Her Needs, Willard F. Harley, Jr. states that affection is the top need of most wives. They view it as the cement of the marriage; without it, they feel completely disconnected from their husbands. William further states that giving your wife a healthy dose of affection makes her feel secure, protected, comforted, and approved. On the other hand, withholding affection from your wife is a sure way of breaking her heart and making her feel rejected.
But here's the rub - many men do not prioritize affection because they generally have no need for it. They mostly resort to being affectionate as they gear up for intimacy. This tends to be very repulsive to their wives who crave non-sexual affection - with no strings attached. Wives desire a constant flow of affection throughout the day as it makes them feel connected to their husbands. Fortunately, a wife who receives a healthy dose of appreciation will be more than eager to get intimate with her husband.
If you are unsure how to show affection to your wife, start by finding out what makes her tick. Having said that, many women will appreciate being hugged, kissed, receiving gifts, calls/texts, hearing "I love you," having doors opened for them, and having her hand held, among other warm gestures.
2. Keeping Her in the Dark
Your wife needs to know that you can be trusted. She, therefore, needs transparency and honest communication from you. It will hurt her to the core if she unearths stuff you had not disclosed. Honesty and openness are the foundation of trust in marriage. There should be no gray areas or well-guarded secrets. After all, when you married her, you ceased being two individuals and became one flesh (Mathew 19:6).
Furnish your wife with accurate information about yourself. Let her be privy to your daily schedule and let her know that she can get you on the phone whenever she needs to. Divulge your thoughts and feelings to her as well. Let her know that she has full access to your life because she is one with you. That will solidify her commitment to you and make her feel secure in your marriage.
3. Being Too Busy for Her and the Kids
What is the order of your priorities? Do you sneak home in the late hours of the night every day with no time to spend with your wife and children? Do you attend to everything else and give your family leftover crumbs of your time? Are you always tired while interacting with your family because you spent all your energy out there? It hurts your wife deeply if she senses that your family is not among your top priorities. Besides, your wife desires that you be the leader of the home, a task you cannot take on in absentia.
Remember that raising kids is demanding, and leaving the bulk of the work to your wife is unfair. She longs to have you as an equal partner in parenting. Besides, your kids need the moral guidance of a father. If your kids are young, you have a short window to influence them. If you squander that chance, you can't recoup it when they are off your nest. Children need not only quality time but also quantity time.
As a husband, scrutinize your priorities and see if they align with God's will for your life. If you are a believer, your relationship with God should be at the top of your priorities. After that comes your spouse, children, work, studies, hobbies, and other things. You may have to say no to a promotion or extra work projects in order to preserve time with your family.
4. Being Harsh with Her
"Husbands, likewise, dwell with them with understanding, giving honor to the wife, as to the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life, that your prayers may not be hindered." (1 Peter 3:7).
Not too long ago, my family muddled through a rough patch with our daughter being pretty ill. I was an emotional wreck, but my husband seemed to brave the situation and even encouraged me. I could not fathom how he was able to hold himself together amid the storm we were sailing in. Women crave protection and tender care from their husbands.
As a result, being harsh towards your wife is another gruesome way of hurting her feelings. Little wonder Peter urged husbands to dwell with their wives with understanding so their prayers would not be hindered. God certainly makes a big deal out of how you treat your wife. Paul also urged husbands to love their wives and not be harsh with them (Colossians 3:19). Husbands should use their masculinity to protect, comfort, and care for their wives.
If you are unsure how to be gentle with your wife, try loving her as prescribed in Scripture. Love suffers long, is kind, does not envy, does not parade itself, is not puffed up, does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil, does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth, bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, and endures all things. Love never fails (1 Corinthians 13: 4-8).
5. Ignoring Boundaries with the Opposite Sex
Your wife needs to know that she is the only one in your life. She shouldn't have to second guess your commitment to her. It hurts your wife deeply if she sees you interacting inappropriately with members of the opposite sex. You need to uphold healthy boundaries to safeguard the sanctity of your marriage. Unhealthy interaction with members of the opposite sex can lead to emotional cheating and, eventually, full-blown infidelity.
If your wife expresses concern about your interaction with a particular lady, do not dismiss her fears. Instead, work toward reassuring her of your commitment to her. Tighten the boundaries around the friendship in question and, if necessary, completely sever it. Remember that if you cannot do or say something to another lady in the presence of your wife, then you are probably crossing the line. At work, make it a habit to talk positively about your wife. Have a photo of her on your desk. Leave no room for people to second guess your devotion to her.
6. Not Standing Up for Her
Your wife needs to know that you're in her corner. Sometimes wives have to wade through a sea of animosity from friends and family members. In such instances, you need to stand up for her. Let people know they have to go through you to get to her. Don't allow anyone to harass or belittle her. Be loyal to her and take her side (unless she is being outrightly unreasonable). Defend your wife in public, and where necessary, have serious conversations with her in private.
Related:
6 Ways You're Unknowingly Hurting Your Husband
Keren is a freelance writer who digs up the wisdom nestled in God's word as she weighs in on parenting, marriage, and a plethora of life issues. Read more of her work in her newsletter Wisdom Trails.
