Is Platonic Co-Parenting a Sustainable Family Model?
Parenting
Audio By Carbonatix
By Dana Che, Crosswalk.com
Do a quick online search and you’ll find the term “platonic co-parenting” trending on all social media platforms. In recent years, the idea that two people can be friends and not lovers while raising children has become more “normalized,” even among Christian believers. Taking it a step further, the two people involved don’t even have to be friends. They can be ex-spouses, ex-lovers, or even strangers who met in a coffee shop or through one of the growing online matching platforms for individuals looking to start a family in non-traditional ways.
At first glance, one might think, “What’s the big deal? If both parties are loving and create an agreed-upon structure, what’s the harm?” Platonic co-parenting might even seem like a creative, modern, and progressive response to the rising fatherlessness and divorce rates running rampant in Christian homes. But is this family model sustainable? More importantly, is it God’s intention for a thriving home?
What Does the Research Show about Co-Parenting?
Understandably, one might become discouraged, disillusioned, and downright depressed when looking at the state of today’s “Christian” family. As a marriage coach, I hear story after story of couples who started well only to watch their marriage corrode into bitter brawls and monumental misunderstandings. I’m often their “last ditch effort” before filing for divorce. Most of my clients have children. Though these couples admittedly don’t want to create a “broken home,” they often surmise that a divorce would be a “better option” than the constant tension their children encounter in the home.
I certainly empathize with this thinking. However, studies, both secular and Christian, show that having both a mother and father in the home is the most stable environment for a child to grow up in. Brad Wilcox, a sociologist at the University of Virginia, says the research is pretty eye-opening. He points to a study that shows children who are raised in married households perform better educationally, economically, and emotionally.
A recent Pew Research shows nearly half of adults believe the trend of raising children in households with unmarried parents will negatively impact the country’s future. In her recent book, The Two-Parent Privilege, Economist Melissa Kearney analyzed data-backed research from dozens of economists, sociologists, and psychologists and found that married parents were a common denominator affecting a child's success.
Don’t Throw the Baby Out with the Bathwater
With the pressure of marriage (27 Dresses, anyone?) heaped unwillingly on many wannabe parents, the appeal of a marriage-less family may seem enticing. I get it. We aren’t doing such a great job showcasing godly marriages that are thriving in the long haul. But do we need to throw the baby out with the bathwater? In an attempt to skirt away from the pressures of a romantic partnership and subsequently the pain of a divorce, wannabe parents can focus on one thing: their child.
In this scenario, these parents can get along without getting involved, producing what they see as reduced conflict, stable financial support, mutual sharing of responsibilities, and accountability. I can see how this may work in a secular context. But for those who live to please the Lord and operate by His standards, they’ll need to slow their roll. Marriage and family are not sociological issues, primarily; they are theological issues. God instituted the first marriage and the first family. So, let’s turn to Scripture to see what He says, shall we?
The Biblical Case for a Marriage-Led Family
In the beginning, God established the family as the foundation for a flourishing human society. In Genesis 2:18, God said of Adam, “It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper fit for him.” God had given Adam the responsibility of caring for creation. Though no children were yet on the scene, if God realized Adam would need some help caring for non-human life, how much more help would he need to care for human life?
After God created Eve, he told them together to “be fruitful and multiply” (Genesis 1:28). Most Christians understand fruitful in this context to mean the fruit of one’s loins. But the multiply part? That’s not taught as much. I believe God intended for Adam and Eve to not only come together sexually to produce new life, but also to multiply or replicate the image and intent of God in the earth. As their children saw them relate to one another in a holy marriage, they would learn how to relate to a holy God. This gets lost in platonic co-parenting.
And then there’s he elephant in the room—covenant. While most don’t like to view marriage as an irrevocable agreement between two parties, that is exactly what it is. Marriage was never supposed to be temporary or tepid. The covenant was God’s protection of stability for the husband, wife, and children. Anything less is like building a house on sand. It might look pretty, but it will wash away in the storms of life. Plus, where else will children learn about love, sacrifice, and faithfulness? The covenental relationship between the husband and the wife serves as this foundational framework.
Greater Love Has No One Than This
Jesus famously said, “Greater love has no one than this, that someone lay down his life for his friends” (John 15:13). A major life lesson that marriage teaches children is sacrifice—the very act of giving up your own desires in favor of something greater. When children witness their parents loving, hurting, repenting, forgiving, and refocusing, it sears sacrifice in their minds like hot coals.
We’ve been duped into thinking that peace and happiness are the ultimate goals in life. However, peace and happiness are by-products of a life of obedience and calling. If you want to know if someone truly loves you, see how much he/she is willing to sacrifice for you. Anything less than that is not love; it’s leverage. It’s not selfless; it's selfish. It’s not sustainable; it’s surfacey. Sustainability involves both spiritual and emotional flourishing—the depth of wholeness (shalom) that God intends for every member of the family.
So can platonic co-parenting work? Sure—on a practical level. Two responsible adults can share financial responsibilities for the children. But for the Christian, the focus shouldn’t be on what “works” but on what is God’s best. I do not believe platonic co-parenting is God’s best or intended purpose or plan for human flourishing because it lacks the covenantal calling and spiritual foundation that sustains love through every season of life. Without this divine design, even the most well-intentioned partnerships will likely struggle to experience the fullness of the relational wholeness God intended for his family.
Photo Credit: ©GettyImages/skynesher
Dana Che is a speaker, marriage/relationship coach, and the host of the Rebuilding US podcast, where she helps people uncomplicate relationships and build deeper connections. She is also a devoted daughter and friend of God and serves as a Teaching Pastor at a multi-site, multi-ethnic church in Virginia Beach, VA. In groups, large or small, Dana's mission is singular: to help lead people into more fruitful and connected relationships with the Lord and each other. On the podcast, she is known for her graceful candor, humor, and encouraging yet challenging advice. Dana holds a B.A. in communication from Regent University. She has a fierce passion for fashion and a fiercer passion for truth. She shares her life with Shaun, her childhood sweetheart and husband of twenty-four years, their four amazing children, and their “multi-cultural” dog in beautiful Virginia Beach, VA. Connect with her on social media @mrsdanache and find helpful relationship resources on her website at https://danache.com. Click here for more articles from Dana Che.
