How to Walk with a Loved One through the Pain of Divorce
Divorce and Remarriage
Audio By Carbonatix
By Laura Petherbridge, Crosswalk.com
“My sister told me it was my fault my husband is having an affair with another woman. I gained some weight during my pregnancy. I’ve been trying to get it off, but it’s not happening quickly,” Megan said, weeping uncontrollably. Overnight, she discovered that everything she believed about her marriage and her husband was a lie. He had a secret life complete with hidden money and a lover.
“I don’t want a divorce, but I’m not going to give her up,” her husband coldly and clearly stated. “So do what you need to do, but I’m not changing anything.”
As life spun out of control for Megan, she sought reassurance from her sister. But instead of receiving comfort, her sibling decided to spew piercing words. “Well, you need to go to the gym more often. You haven’t lost all the baby weight, and Tiffany is six months old. It’s your fault he’s having an affair.”
Her response plunged an emotional knife more deeply into Megan’s battered heart. A size four body, or lifting weights, was not going to repair this marriage.
Her sister was wrong.
If Megan’s husband had died, rather than a betrayal, a squadron of women would have marched into her home with a tuna casserole, spa gift cards, and bouquets of flowers. But the death of a marriage vow doesn’t end with a funeral. Therefore, most people don’t know how to respond.
Divorce produces overwhelming layers of loss. Many people lose their homes, finances, friends, pets, relatives, health insurance, time with their children, and even their church. Therefore, when a loved one is suffering through divorce, it’s best to share words that are healing channels rather than hurtful ones.
You may feel that it’s important to share an opinion or a Bible verse with your friend, but weigh your words carefully. Remember, you don’t know all the details.
When I was divorcing, a person said to me, “It takes two to get divorced. You must have done something to make him want another woman.” That single sentence, spoken so thoughtlessly, did tremendous emotional damage to my wounded heart. When she spoke those words, I was already descending into an abyss of self-loathing, shame, and collapse.
And now, 42 years later, I still remember how that incorrect accusation plummeted me further into the abyss of depression. At that time, I was a baby Christian who was giving serious thought to ending my life to stop the pain and shame. Her words were a harpoon impaling my heart. And they gave ammunition to the enemy of my soul as he whispered, “You are repulsive. You are disgusting. You are a stupid, weak, fat (I was a size 6), hideous failure. And you call yourself a Christian? Even God can’t use you now. He hates divorce. Divorce disqualifies you from starting ANY ministry. He can’t ever use you. Done. Finished. Kaputt. You are pathetic, and this divorce proves it. You can’t even hold on to a husband. Why don’t you just end it all and be done with it?”
I still weep as I type this. His declarations and accusations were relentless. I believed the taunting hiss from the enemy of my soul. Like the green witch in the wizard of OZ, I was melting under his ridiculing mockery.
But God.
I love those two words. Who knew two words could save your life?
My Redeemer showed up. He fought for me. He rescued me. He took my nightmare of dread, shame, and fear and replaced it with Himself. The Holy Spirit draped me in His soothing blanket of tenderness and gently began to reveal the lies. He replaced them with truth. It’s His specialty.
I sincerely do not know how anyone survives this kind of pain without Jesus. And He desires for others to be His hands and feet when a loved one or friend experiences this type of abandonment. Although some people say hurtful things like my friend did, others desire to reach out and help during a divorce. Often, they don’t know how.
Here is a list of things that might help:
Be Available:
-Make time for your friend and discover the most difficult time of the week.
-Listen and don’t rush the conversation. What people need to know is that someone cares and hears their pain.
-Your loved one will be less likely to fall into the trap of a rebound relationship if they have a strong support system.
Be Helpful:
-Help the friend find a good Christian professional counselor who specializes in the issues contributing to the divorce. Marriage counseling is often the worst thing the wounded spouse can do. In Megan’s situation, her husband’s affair is only one piece of the destruction. Going to marriage counseling with a manipulative person will only create more pain. Note: MOST pastors are NOT TRAINED to deal with complex issues such as: alcohol or drug abuse, domestic violence, pornography addiction, adultery, narcissism, and co-dependency.
-Research websites, classes, or books that address how the wounded spouse can take steps forward. Marriage books are NOT what they need at this moment. They need resources that address how to set healthy boundaries and become a single parent—first.
-Strongly encourage your loved one and the children to attend a support group. If he/she afraid, offer to attend the first session with him/her.
-Accompany the person to court dates and events such as weddings or funerals.
-Remember your friend’s pain on special occasions such as birthdays, anniversary, etc.
-Sit with your friend in church. Often, the loneliest time during divorce is Sunday morning.
-Recognize that their social and financial life has drastically changed; treat a friend to pizza, a massage, or something fun.
-Surprise a friend with new bed linens, pillow, or pajamas. Having a fresh place to sleep that is free of memories can help.
-Ask the friend to join you and your family for a fun event such as camping, taco night, sports game, or hiking. Offering to watch the kids can also be a huge blessing.
Be Understanding:
-Grief takes time to overcome. There is an incorrect assumption that people get over divorce quickly. It is a death. The assassination of the dreams. The murder of the vows. The execution of what should have been.
-Love your friend unconditionally. This doesn’t mean you must approve of all their choices; however, carefully weigh your words, especially biblical insights.
-Listen for suicidal threats and don’t ignore the signs. Inform a family member, pastor, or someone they know. You can also call or text 988. To learn more, their website is www.988lifeline.org
-Give your friend a hug. The bed is empty, the house feels cold. This person needs human touch.
-Discern when to demonstrate “tough love.” Seek counsel from a divorce recovery facilitator or counselor if necessary.
Be Useful:
-Help him/her create a new financial budget and find affordable housing. If necessary, seek help from within the church.
-Review the immediate financial needs. The former spouse may be refusing to help with day-to-day things such as attorney fees, utilities, childcare, counseling, car maintenance, groceries, and daily household expenses.
-Fill the freezer with casseroles or easy-to-fix meals. Their concentration level is low, and one less thing to think about is a blessing.
-Offer to store family photographs until the pain lessens.
Don't:
-Lend money unless you are okay with never getting it back. Otherwise, it will strain the relationship.
-Act offended if your friend doesn’t seem grateful for your help. It may take time for the person to recognize your sacrifice.
-Give advice unless asked. Exceptions include: if the kids are being neglected or the utilities are about to be terminated.
-Assume that offering help gives you the right to voice an opinion.
-Bash the former spouse, especially in front of the children.
-Lie to the kids or pump them for information. This creates tremendous stress for their wounded minds.
-Share the details of your friend’s situation with others.
-Assume you must pick sides. You can remain friends without turning against the other spouse.
-Visit places that trigger painful memories.
-Fix your friend up with a date. Don’t even think about it.
-Assume your friend still feels welcome at church. Often, those ostracized by the church during divorce leave forever.
I didn’t defend myself to the woman who said those hurtful comments to me over 40 years ago because I was in shock. But I wanted to scream, “It takes two to get married, but only one to get divorced.”
I forgave her long ago, but I still remember the pain. And I didn’t trust her again with private pain or thoughts.
Fortunately, Megan, the weeping woman in this article, found a Christian divorce recovery support group. New friendships provided a haven where she discovered her identity in Christ. Healed from the sorrow, she now works full time in Christian ministry.
Laura Petherbridge is an international speaker, author, and life coach. She is the author of: When I Do Becomes I Don’t Practical Steps for Healing During Separation and Divorce, The Smart Stepmom (co-authored with Ron Deal), 101 Tips for The Smart Stepmom, Quiet Moments for the Stepmom Soul, Seeking a Silent Night: Unwrapping a Stepfamily Christmas, and Stepfamilies of the Bible: Timeless Wisdom for Blended Families. Her appearances include: The Billy Graham Training Center, Lifeway, Focus on the Family, Family Life, MomLife Today, MOPS, Christianity Today, iBelieve, Crosswalk and Celebrate Kids to name a few. She can be reached at www.TheSmartStepmom.com.
