Should You Stay Married to Your Spouse After an Affair?
Divorce and Remarriage
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By Vivian Bricker, Crosswalk.com
After an affair, it is not uncommon to have mixed feelings toward your spouse. First, you need to know that your feelings are all valid. Anger, sadness, and confusion are some of the feelings you might be experiencing right now, and you are in no way wrong for feeling this way. The person you loved the most has hurt you with a searing pain, which will not easily heal.
Give space for all these feelings and be able to sit with them. Journal your thoughts and consider talking with a therapist when the pain becomes too heavy. If you wanted, you and your spouse could even look into Christian marriage counseling if you wanted to preserve the marriage. Some people hold to the belief that you should stay with your spouse no matter what, but this is not a biblical teaching.
There are many valid, biblical reasons for ending a marriage. Sexual immorality is one of the reasons, and abuse is another. Since your spouse has had an affair, this is a valid reason to end the marriage. The Lord tells us directly, “I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another woman commits adultery” (Matthew 19:9). As the Lord tells us, sexual immorality is a valid reason for a marriage to end.
Testing the Waters
“He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.” (Psalm 147:3)
At the present time, you are probably flooded with a wealth of emotions. If you are angry, sad, or drowning in pain, find comfort in God. The Lord is our source of comfort and compassion (Matthew 5:4). He will help you rejoice and be glad again, even though it might seem impossible right now. Your sadness is a wound that will heal.
God will be able to help you heal this wound if you allow Him to. As you meditate on the Bible and present your requests to the Lord, you also need to test the waters. Was your spouse the one who told you about the affair, or did you find out another way? If your spouse came clean and ended the affair, it could be because they felt bad about their actions and they wanted to make things right with you, even if that means telling you this painful truth.
Being cheated on feels terrible and can significantly affect your self-view. Friend, know that your worth, your value, and your beauty are not reflected in your spouse's actions. It is not because of anything you did, nor is there anything that you did to lead your spouse to seek out intimacy from someone else. Often, affairs are rooted in insecurity and sin. Neither of these things has anything to do with you personally.
If your spouse has tried to make things right with you and is willing to take the steps to repair your marriage, then this is good news. It means they are more inclined to preserve the marriage and avoid making mistakes in the future. However, the decision is still up to you. If the pain is too unbearable and you cannot imagine being married to someone who has been unfaithful to you, then know you can end the marriage. There is nothing unbiblical about ending a marriage over an affair.
On the other hand, if your spouse did not tell you about the affair and you found out things in a different way, then it might be a telling sign of your spouse’s issues. Sadly, even amongst Christian marriages, husbands and wives are unfaithful to each other. While I cannot give you the reason your spouse was unfaithful, the outcome is now in your control. If you want to end the marriage, you can, and if you would rather try to preserve it, you can do this too. Ultimately, the decision is in your hands.
Turning to the Lord and Taking Up Matters with Him
“Cast your cares on the Lord and he will sustain you; he will never let the righteous be shaken.” (Psalm 55:22)
As you consider your decision, it would be wise to bring your concerns to the Lord. In addition to finding comfort from His love, you will also be able to find answers in Him. The Lord has a way of helping us see things more clearly and giving us direction for our future steps. Any and every concern you have needs to be taken before the Lord.
Refrain from holding anything back from the Lord and share all your hard feelings. With the Lord’s help, you will be able to get through this time and come out stronger than before. Allow God to strengthen you and help your faith grow during this time. Isaiah 41:10 says, “So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.”
All the pain and suffering we endure in this life is never for no reason. There is a purpose behind the pain. Never believe the lie that your pain is for nothing. Having a spouse be unfaithful to you can bring many raw emotions into your heart, and you can bring these to God. He sees your pain, and He will be right beside you through every tear (Psalm 23:1-6).
Talking with Your Spouse and Discerning if the Marriage Is Worth Saving
“Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight.” (Proverbs 3:5-6)
If you are up to it, it might be helpful to talk things out with your spouse. This can be done in a home setting or in a marriage counselor’s office. Whichever you think will work better will be the best decision for you. If your spouse is already showing signs of wanting to make things right with you, then it might be worthwhile to see a Christian marriage counselor. A Christian marriage counselor will be able to help you process the infidelity as well as help you articulate any emotions you are presently struggling with.
A Christian marriage counselor will also be able to provide a safe place for you and your spouse to share your feelings. Through expert advice, he or she will be able to help equip you with the tools and resources you need if you want to save your marriage. However, if you find that even marriage counseling does not help, it might be time to discern if the marriage is worth saving.
If your husband or wife is angry or not showing any signs of sorrow for their actions, it might be time to start filing the divorce papers. Yes, it is painful, but it must be done. You love the person and want to see the best in them, but sometimes marriages simply do not work out. It is not due to something you did; it was because they were willing to lose the marriage through their actions.
Taking Matters to Heart
“He says, ‘Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth.'" (Psalm 46:10)
We would never risk something we didn't mind losing. This is something that we need to take to heart and not overlook. When your spouse cheated on you, they didn't think about how it would make you feel or what it would do to your marriage. They were willing to place everything you have built together on the line. You may ask the questions “Why? Why would my spouse be willing to ruin everything with me?”
When God created marriage, He created it to last a lifetime (Genesis 2:24). He did not want spouses to be unfaithful or abusive to each other. He wanted the husband to love his wife as He loves the church (Ephesians 5:25-33). There is no room for a third person or unfaithfulness.
Take your time as you process your feelings and allow God to be with you during this time. Often when we are struggling, we shut Him out, but we don't need to. We need to allow His grace, peace, and love to fill our hearts. In the aftermath of an affair, you need God’s abounding love because you are going through grief.
Therefore, the decision is up to you. Whether you choose to save the marriage or not is completely your decision. Talk matters over with God and your spouse to see if it changes or affects your decision. Lean on family and friends for support as well. Lastly, know that you are not alone and that God can still bring beauty from ashes (Isaiah 61:3).
Related:
Is Having an Emotional Relationship with AI Adultery?
Is Adultery the Certain End to a Marriage?
Photo credit: ©GettyImages/Antonio Guillem
Vivian Bricker obtained a Bachelor of Arts in Ministry, followed by a Master of Arts with an emphasis in theology. She loves all things theology, mission work, and helping others learn about Jesus. Find more of her content at Cultivate.
