10 Steps for Reconciliation with Your Adult Child
Parenting
Audio By Carbonatix
4:00 AM on Monday, June 22
By Carrie Lowrance, Parenting
1. Examine Why You Want to Reconcile
Start by thinking honestly about why you want to reconcile with your child. This is key because it will set the tone for how you act and react. Do you truly miss your child? Are you regretting not having a relationship with them?
On the flip side, you may find what this shows about your parenting skills embarrassing. Is there a grandchild or grandchildren that you want to see? Maybe there is something you need from your adult child that you didn't in the past? Or do you want to say your piece about an issue or set the record straight? Could there be a possibility that you want to act like you've changed only to worm your way back into your adult child's life so that you can do the same abusive behavior you did in the past?
Your reason for reconnecting will have a significant impact on the outcome.
2. Remember You're Talking to an Adult
You must remember that you are dealing with an adult, not a child. Your adult child deserves your respect. If you give them anything less than that, you are undermining your own efforts.
3. Recognize Your Contribution
As we all know, there are two sides to every story. What you may have seen as loving behavior may have been hurtful to your child. Think about your past behavior and put yourself in your child's shoes to understand how that felt. Don't play the "two sides to every story" trope. Your adult child won't care about your defensiveness or your explanations. Own your part of the problem and apologize for it—period.
Related Resource: James Dobson's Candid Interview with Pastor Greg Laurie: His Childhood, Marriage, and How to Build Strong Families
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4. Approach the Situation Lovingly
It's hard when we have to face the fact that we're wrong, but this is one of those situations. Realizing these things can cause you to be angry and for your pride to take a hit. Check these emotions at the door and don't bring them into the conversation with your adult child. When you act out of love instead of anger or pride, you have a better chance of having an open, honest conversation with your child.
5. Be Fair
Don't play the blame game. Would you rather be right or have a relationship with your child? You don't have to take all the blame and overlook the things your child has done wrong. There is a time and place for that discussion.
However, criticizing everything about them and the relationship will only drive them away. You need to be fair with your child and only talk about the issues at hand. Your focus should only be on repairing your relationship.
6. Listen to Your Child
Sit down with an open heart and mind and listen to your child. Let them talk about everything that happened, even if you disagree. Look for pieces of truth in what they say.
Look at yourself and be willing to listen to their criticisms. It will be hard to hear, but you need to prepare yourself for this ahead of time.
Keep in mind that they may have to hold on to the blame in order to deal with their anxiety. Letting them know you hear them will mean a lot. Shutting you out had to be painful. Instead of getting caught up in hurt and anger, try to empathize with their pain.
7. Think about Your Beliefs about What Your Child "Owes" You
Whatever you believe your child "owes" you, regardless of what you have done, will derail your progress before it begins.
This includes demanding your child "respect" you even after you have treated them horribly. It also includes insisting that your memory of events is accurate simply because you were the one in authority. (This practice is also known as gaslighting.)
The Bible says that we should honor our father and mother, but I don't believe that we have to take their abuse because of it.
Photo credit: ©Getty Images/PIKSEL
8. Don't Get Defensive
You need to let go of your defenses and reasons. It is understandable to feel this way because rejection and estrangement hurt. Being able to shift to neutral ground and acceptance is key.
When you bring your defenses to the table, it's like saying game over. Things like thinking you aren't that bad, claiming you did the best you could, and that you had reasons you parented the way you did will not cut it. These excuses will only solidify what your adult child already expects, that you are incapable of listening, much less changing. It's not all about you.
9. Don't Feed Anger
It's normal for both parties to feel anger. Every situation is unique and has its own set of circumstances. Sometimes, when friends and family try to be supportive, the things they say or imply can fuel the anger even more. Although anger is normal, it will not help in reconciling with your child.
Instead, take a step back, examine things, and try to figure out what led to the estrangement. Look at your family dynamics, both in your home growing up and in the home where you raised your children. Are there similarities? Do you see your parents' behavior in yourself? When you can look at your family from a more objective point of view, things may not seem so personal.
10. Get Support
When your child cuts you off, leaving you with no way to communicate, come to an understanding, or resolve things, it's painful. Therefore, being connected to friends and family who understand is very important. In addition, you should also seek help from a psychologist or therapist.
Therapy isn't as taboo of a subject as it once was. These days, it's easy to access a therapist online in the comfort of your own home, and it is more widely accepted for self-care and mental health. I have a friend who goes to a therapist, and she says it has made a world of difference for her, so don't give in to any stigmas. If you need help, get it.
Another option is to join a support group. You can also do this either in person or online. If you are more of an extrovert and think being around people in a real-life setting would be beneficial, you can find a local in-person group. You can find a support group online if you are more of an introvert.
Regardless of which kind of group you attend, you will feel better about being around like-minded people who are struggling with the same issue. You will learn a lot from those farther along the path than you, find empathy and support, and possibly make new friends, too.
Read Your Bible and Pray
Take some time to read your Bible and pray about your situation. Read about different parents in the Bible and how they managed their children. You will find all kinds of couples in all types of situations. The first story that comes to mind is the story of the prodigal son.
Also, pray for your situation. Ask the Lord to search your heart and show you where you have gone wrong and made mistakes. Let him guide your steps and direct you in attempting to rebuild a relationship with your adult child. Pray for your child, too, and ask God to guide them in this situation.
Being a parent is difficult, and everyone makes mistakes. Some people make worse mistakes than others that last a lifetime. Other times, the circumstances of life and family dynamics cause estrangements. If you are thinking about reconnecting with your adult child, take the steps above to heart, pray for the Lord to direct you, and then reach out. You may rebuild the best relationship you have ever had, or your efforts may face rejection and fall on deaf ears. The most important thing is you tried, and that matters.
Photo credit: ©GettyImage/Daniela Jovanovska-Hristovska
