10 Ways to Set Boundaries and Stop Enabling Your Adult Child
Parenting
Audio By Carbonatix
4:25 AM on Friday, October 3
By Carrie Lowrance, Parenting
1. Ponder Your Own Feelings and Anxieties about Your Child Being Independent
It's natural to want to help your kids and to feel uncomfortable and anxious when you see them struggling. What you are feeling is called a "protection trap" which is when anxiety and enabling behavior become best friends and turn into a vicious cycle. Some parents worry about stopping enabling behavior because they worry about their child reacting negatively or they feel like they owe their child something.
When you want to step in and enable your child, ask yourself some questions.
-If I don't help, what lessons will my child learn from this?
-What is my biggest worry about the outcome if I don't step in and help?
-What is the probability of the worst outcome actually happening? Is there a more positive way I can look at this situation?
Take some time and think things through before taking action.
If you need to, talk to a professional about how you feel or read some books or listen to some podcasts on this topic. This will help you feel you're not alone. You may even want to join a support group for parents who enable their adult children.
2. Let Your Child Practice Problem-Solving Before Helping
First, validate your child's feelings and let them know you empathize with their situation. Before you jump in to rescue your child, stop and think about what you are doing. Instead, tell them they need to figure out how to solve the problem or crisis they are facing. Give them several days to work on it and then check in with them. If they still don't have a solution, give them a few more days. This will help them learn to trust their own decision- making abilities and build their resilience. The point is, they need to figure this out themselves.
If they come up with a partial solution, congratulate them and then see if you can help them come to a full solution. Did they come to a full solution on their own? Even better. Remember, make suggestions, but don't jump in and fix it.
For example, it's the middle of the month and they aren't sure if they will make the rent. Suggest picking up extra hours at work, starting a side hustle or taking on a second job, but don't jump in and offer to pay their rent this month. Let them take action and figure it out on their own and encourage their independence.
3. Set Small Goals with Your Child
If they are still living at home, help them set small goals, such as saving up for a place, expanding their social life, or getting a job.
Break big goals down into smaller, bite-size chunks. It can be overwhelming when you know you need "x" amount of money to move out. Take that amount and divide it by x amount of months so your child will know what they need to put in monthly savings to reach their goal. Teach them how to budget as well.
If they want to make new friends, make a goal for them to engage with three new people a week. This could be at school if they are in college, at their job, or even while running errands. The same goes with finding a job. Set a goal to send out "x" applications a week.
Stay on top of their progress and ask them what is one thing they can do each day to help them move forward.
4. Work on Enriching Your Own Life
When you have enabled your children their whole adult lives, setting boundaries with them is difficult. Especially when you've been deeply involved in their trials, stressors, and struggles for so long. But it's time to focus on you. While your child is working on their independence, you need to work on getting back to living your life. Take up hobbies you used to love, grow your social circle, and learn to live your own life.
5. Set Solid Boundaries
Make sure you set solid expectations for your adult children, especially if they live at home. First, sit down and decide how much support you are going to give them and then set out your terms.
Let them know how you expect them to contribute to the household, like taking out the trash, helping shop for groceries, or doing their own laundry. Give them clear limits for financial support if you choose to do so. Consider asking them to pay rent while they are living at home and make up a "lease agreement" that both of you sign so everyone is on the same page. Also, let them know your expectations for what they are working towards. For example, if you are going to live at home, we expect you to have a full-time job and that you put "x" amount of money away each month for your own apartment.
When I lived at home while in college, my mom fed me and kept a roof over my head, but I handled everything else, like personal items, gas, car insurance, car repairs, etc. Parents, there is nothing wrong with this. Your child will become more responsible because of it.
6. Learn to Say "No"
As a former daycare teacher, I can tell you that learning to say "no" early on is crucial to your child's well-being. So many parents these days want to be their child's friend or the cool parent and never tell their child "no". I've had parents tell me, "I just do what she says." They allow them to do whatever they want, say whatever they want, and have whatever they want. These are the parents who are going to wonder why their kids never grow up.
You must learn to tell your child "no." It's the only way they will grow up as not only a child, but as an adult. You need to step aside and let them figure out their problems at all stages of their lives. I'm not saying that kids don't need guidance when they are young, but give them some time to come up with a resolution to the problem first and then help them. Don't jump in and fix it right away because they will learn nothing. Tell them "no" early so they will learn they can't manipulate you into doing what they want.
7. Lead by Example
If you expect your children to live and act like adults, you need to set the example. Model good work ethic. Manage your money well and if you make a mistake, own up to it and share what you learned from it with them. Do your part around the house by helping your spouse. Show your children what a healthy, functioning adult looks like. This includes modeling appropriate behavior and respecting their boundaries.
8. Enforce Your Boundaries
When you set a boundary, be consistent with it. You need to do this with young children as well. When you tell them that "x" will happen if they don't do something and you don't follow through, they won't take you seriously. This is at any age, so set solid boundaries and stick to them. When you are inconsistent, it will confuse your child and they won't take you at your word.
9. Expect Your Child to Push Back
When you set effective boundaries, your child will feel out of their comfort zone—this is okay. They may get upset for a while, and you will probably feel like giving in to the expectations you set. Instead, remember both of your feelings are valid. Explain to your child that you empathize with how they feel, but your boundaries will continue to be enforced.
10. Surround Yourself with Support
Dealing with your adult children can be emotionally and mentally exhausting. Make sure you surround yourself with supportive family and friends that understand your situation. Join a support group and gain advice from other members who are going through the same thing. Having support will help you stay firm in the boundaries you set for your child.
Learning to stop enabling your adult child is a process, but with strong boundaries, clear expectations, and a support system, you can help your child learn to thrive.
