5 Marriage Mistakes That Put Distance Between You and Your Spouse
Marriage
Audio By Carbonatix
3:00 AM on Friday, November 14
By Clarence L. Haynes Jr., Marriage
Mistake #1: Holding onto Resentment
Ask anyone who has been married for any substantial length of time, and they will tell you there have been moments when they have become frustrated or angry with their partner. The next thing they will tell you is that they did not hold onto it. If you are newly married and this hasn’t happened yet, just wait a little longer. It is unrealistic to think that your partner will never do anything that will get under your skin. Now, unless you are flying off the handle at every little thing, getting angry or frustrated is inevitable. The problem is, what do you do with it?
When your partner makes a mistake or does something that irritates you (and they will), the way you respond to those things matters. You may initially feel anger or resentment, and while that may be okay in the moment, that is not okay for the long term. Here is what the Bible says.
“In your anger do not sin”: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold. Ephesians 4:26-27
When you allow resentment to linger in your heart, you give the devil a foothold in your marriage. This will not bring you together but will continually put distance between you and your spouse. The longer unforgiveness lingers, the greater the emotional distance will grow. If you want your marriage to last, then you must deal with the resentment—and do it quickly. If you have not spoken about the source of your resentment, then you must address the issue.
Once you have done that, then it is time to move forward with forgiveness and grace. You must also resist bringing up past mistakes to your spouse. Not only will this keep you trapped in the past, but it is a surefire way to drive a wedge between the two of you. Address it, move on, and don’t keep a record of the wrong because nothing good will come from it.
Mistake #2: Taking Each Other for Granted
"Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves." Philippians 2:3
Think back to how you treated each other when you first started dating. Since you were trying to win each other’s hearts, you put your best foot forward. You were kind, considerate, and did little things that showed your interest and care. Many times, it was these little, seemingly insignificant things that caused your love for each other to grow. Whether it was simply saying 'I love you' or incorporating 'please' and 'thank you' into your conversation. These ordinary things made your partner feel loved, appreciated, and respected. I have a question for you. What happened?
As time moves on and your relationship matures, you can easily fall into the trap of believing these things are no longer necessary. My friend, that is not true. In fact, the opposite is true. To keep the relationship healthy and your love growing, you need to show more appreciation, not less. The kindness that you used to win their heart should be the kindness you use to keep their heart. Don’t stop trying to win their heart.
The small acts of love that used to be automatic don't allow them to become optional. Doing this will prevent you from growing apart and will keep your hearts connected to each other. From time to time, remember the joy you got from the unexpected thing you did that warmed their heart. Keep doing those things. They may seem insignificant, but they can make all the difference in your relationship.
Mistake #3: Neglecting Your Spiritual Connection
“But as for me and my household, we will serve the Lord.” Joshua 24:15
One crucial factor in your marital relationship is your personal relationship with Christ. Unlike most relationships, the one with Jesus is unique because as you each draw closer to Christ, you will draw closer to each other. There used to be an adage that families that pray together, stay together. That has not changed. A unique bond forms when a husband and wife seek God together. This can come through prayer, worship, Bible study, attending church together, and even serving together. Sharing these things can unite you in your relationship the way few other things can.
While the pace of life can often lead to neglect in these areas, do your best to fight through it. When my wife and I pray, weep, and worship together, it always draws us closer. I feel confident in saying it will do the same for you.
Mistake #4: You Stop Having Fun Together
“A cheerful heart is good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up the bones.” Proverbs 17:22
Consider some of the best moments you have ever shared with anyone in your life. Laughter was part of it. One of the great joys of being in a marital relationship is sharing life's experiences together. It is far more enjoyable to go through the stages and periods of life with someone by your side than to experience them alone. When you think about the full range of experiences and emotions life offers, fun and laughter should be on that list.
I mentioned earlier that couples who pray together stay together. The same is true of laughter. When there is fun and laughter in a relationship, it builds something that you enjoy being part of. Very few people walk away from relationships they truly enjoy.
There is something enduring with couples that know how to enjoy each other’s company. Usually, the biggest source of enjoyment is not in the big things but in the little things. Sharing a meal, taking a walk, going to a movie, or even being on vacation. These moments can be fun, create smiles, and be shared with laughter.
I know life can get heavy with responsibility. Whether it’s the kids, the bills, the job, the ministry, or whatever it is. However, taking the time amid this to laugh and find the fun in it all can make those moments more enjoyable and bring you together, rather than driving you apart.
Mistake #5: Failing to Communicate Needs Clearly
“Gracious words are a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to the bones.” Proverbs 16:24
The last area to consider is communication. While you may have heard couples say something to the effect of, “This person knows me so well they can even tell what I am thinking.” This might be true sometimes, but it is not true all the time. In fact, this is probably not true more times than it is. You should never expect your spouse to read your mind because it is an unrealistic expectation. Even if you know how someone thinks most of the time, you cannot assume they will think that way all the time.
In addition, your needs, wants, and desires are subject to change over time as you both grow and mature. This makes it critical to relate them to your partner. You simply cannot expect your spouse to fulfill a need that you have not clearly expressed to them. By the way, dropping hints may seem like a good idea, but those can be missed or misinterpreted. It is far better to be clear and direct, rather than leaving anything to chance.
Marriage is an incredible journey filled with highs and lows along the way. However, if you commit to it and avoid some of these mistakes, you can see the day when death does you part.
Related:
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