How to Discipline with Grace and Natural Consequences
Parenting
Audio By Carbonatix
3:30 AM on Friday, January 2
By Keren Kanyago, Parenting
Among the top parenting regrets nursed by older parents is the thorny issue of discipline. Some regret having been too lenient while disciplining their children, while a good number fear that they went too far. The line between being too lenient and parenting with an iron fist can appear blurred. Thankfully, the Bible is rich in wisdom on the subject of discipline. God Himself, the infallible Father, has modeled how to relate to and discipline our children.
Training Children is the Bedrock of Discipline
It's improper to punish what you have not invested time in training. The Oxford Languages dictionary describes the word discipline as “the practice of training people to obey rules or a code of behaviour, with punishment or other undesired consequences for those failing to comply.”
This definition paints the correct order of discipline. Training precedes correction and punishment. We should spend time training our children in proper behaviour, values, life skills, and, more importantly, teaching them the word of God. When they deviate from what we have both taught and modelled to them, we have the right to invoke punishment.
“All Scripture is God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting, and training in righteousness.” (2 Timothy 3:16)
God models this pattern as He has generously given us His Word. It teaches, rebukes, corrects, and trains us in righteousness. His word is a lamp unto our feet, and a light unto our path (Psalm 119:105). It illuminates our paths, showing us where to tread. When we trail off, His word rebukes us. When disobedience persists, God then cracks the whip, chastening us to redirect us.
Parents should therefore invest time teaching proper behaviour, virtues, expectations, chores, and imparting life skills.
Discipleship- The Ultimate Discipline Hack
The ultimate discipline hack is training our children in the ways of the Lord. The word of God is a firm foundation for their lives. When we expose them to the statutes of God, they, like Jesus, will grow in wisdom and favour with God and man (Luke 2:52). Before His ascension, Jesus left His disciples with the mandate of making disciples of all nations, starting from right where they were in Jerusalem (Acts 1:8).
As disciples of Jesus, we too need to start in our homes. We cannot relegate the discipleship of our children. Paul commended Timothy’s genuine faith, which had been passed on from his mother and grandmother (2 Timothy 1: 5). On the flip side, God judged Eli, who had failed to restrain his sons from evil (1 Samuel 3:13). When God looks at our children, does he applaud us or reprimand us?
“And these words which I command you today shall be in your heart. You shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, when you walk by the way, when you lie down, and when you rise. You shall bind them as a sign on your hand, and they shall be as frontlets between your eyes. You shall write them on the doorposts of your house and on your gates.” (Deuteronomy 6:6-9).
Moses asked the Israelites to disciple their children diligently. Parents bend over backwards to nurture their children’s gifts, talents, academics, and to impart life skills. Discipleship of our children should rank high among our parental responsibilities. Remember that discipleship is best done at home, not in Sunday school, Bible clubs, camps, Vacation Bible School, or other church programs.
Allowing Natural Consequences
“Do not be deceived, God is not mocked; for whatever a man sows, that he will also reap.” (Galatians 6:7)
“While the earth remains, seedtime and harvest, cold and heat, winter and summer, day and night shall not cease” (Genesis 8:22).
One of the foundational principles in the kingdom of God is the aspect of sowing and reaping. Paul points out that this principle is straightforward. It cannot be circumvented. He therefore warns the Galatian church against the illusion of expecting to reap what they have not sown. Everything God has created turns on this axis. God has made no provision for a workaround.
Parents, too, should not be eager to disrupt this divine flow. One powerful way to discipline our children is to allow them to experience the consequences of their actions. After wasting his livelihood and dining with swine, the prodigal son crawled back home. Having left home with the gait of a peacock, complete with unfurled feathers, he wobbled back like a lamb. He had learned his lesson.
If the situation at hand is not detrimental to your child, allow them to savour the consequences of their actions. If they fail to do their homework, don’t bail them out; let them haggle with their teachers. If they carelessly lose school or home necessities, don’t replace them immediately. If they fail to clean their room, let them writhing in the mess. If they refuse to carry a rain jacket to school on a potentially wet day, let them get rained on.
Using natural consequences is an effective way of nurturing responsibility, independence, logical thinking, good judgment, and self-discipline. It ingrains in them the invaluable concept that we all reap what we sow – no matter who we are.
Extend Grace
God’s throne is arrayed in grace. This grace enables us to trot in boldly, despite our flaws and sins. Paul encourages us to approach the throne of grace boldly, so that we may obtain mercy and find grace to help us in our times of need (Hebrews 4:16). Life would certainly be unbearable if God cracked the whip every time we fell short. Thankfully, His grace cushions us from the punishment we deserve.
Grace is the essence of the gospel and can be defined as God’s benevolence toward the undeserving. We need to extend grace to our children as we discipline them. Our ‘parenting thrones’ also need to be decked in grace so that our children can strut in boldly.
We extend grace to our children by ensuring that they still sense our love even after disciplining them. Our chastening should not drive a wedge between us or tamper with their self-worth. Paul urges fathers not to provoke their children lest they become discouraged (Colossians 3:21). We should avoid shaming, being overly harsh, irritating, or labelling our children negatively. When we do, we fracture their spirits.
Just as God disciplines the one He loves (Hebrews 12:6), love should be the overarching factor in every discipline strategy we employ. Though the prodigal son anticipated some form of punishment, he was confident about his father’s love. This emboldened him to go back home. Our children should be confident in our love for them despite their mistakes.
We also need to show our children that we trust them. Seeing that we are steering them in the right way, we should expect that they will make the right decisions. We should therefore refrain from constantly correcting or redirecting them. Let’s allow them some wiggle room to be children and make independent choices. Furthermore, not every mistake requires correcting.
Extending grace also means not humiliating them in front of others. As much as possible, correct or punish them in private. This communicates respect and preserves their dignity. Consider showing them empathy after they have been punished. Let them know that you were correcting their behaviour, not their identity. Reassure them that your love for them remains firm and deep. This helps diffuse any shame or resentment that may be gnawing at them. You can, for instance, offer a hug, a pat on the back, or sit close to them. You can also affirm them through words.
Biblical wisdom requires that we train our children before chastening them. When we chasten, let’s do so with grace and love.
Photo Credit: ©Getty Images/ ljubaphoto
Keren is a freelance writer who digs up the wisdom nestled in God's word as she weighs in on parenting, marriage, and a plethora of life issues. Read more of her work in her newsletter Wisdom Trails.
