10 Ways to Keep Your Marriage Strong After Having Kids
Parenting
Audio By Carbonatix
10:44 AM on Tuesday, January 20
By Carrie Lowrance, Parenting
1. Prioritizing Quality Time Together
Make sure you are spending quality time together, even if it’s only 15 minutes a day during the week. Our weeks are full of jobs, housework, cooking, taking the kids to school, extracurricular activities, and other responsibilities. So it’s easy to let quality time fall through the cracks.
Go to bed 15 minutes early and talk about your day, or wake up 15 minutes early and discuss the day ahead. Either way, this will help you stay on the same page and discuss any issues that have come up. Have a glass of wine together and talk about your day after the kids go to bed. On the weekend, schedule longer blocks of quality time, like a two-hour coffee date or a half-hour walk around the block. Anything that will let you connect for a longer period is beneficial.
2. Effective Communication Strategies
Communication is key in any marriage, but especially after having kids. You’ll want to stay on the same page about how they are doing and whether there are any issues. Some communication strategies to help you stay on the same page include:
Active listening: This is the foundation of effective communication and goes beyond just hearing what someone is saying. This requires attention, understanding, and engagement. Give your spouse your full attention, show engagement through nonverbal cues, reflect on what your spouse is saying, and ask questions to clarify if needed. Also, avoid interrupting your spouse.
Clear and Concise Messaging: Before conveying your message, organize your thoughts. Be direct and make your point quickly. Adapt your language and tone based on the topic at hand.
Nonverbal Communication: Maintain eye contact, be mindful of your facial expressions, and observe both your and your spouse's body language.
Feedback: Ask open-ended questions, be receptive, and follow up.
3. Shared Responsibilities and Teamwork
Sharing responsibilities and teamwork are especially important in parenting. You could switch off for bath nights and bedtime stories. If Dad is better with homework help, then let Dad help with homework all the time. Mom packs lunches at night while Dad makes sure everyone has what they need for the next day, like backpacks, shoes, and homework. Dividing parenting tasks strengthens your bond by:
Promoting Equality: When both parents share tasks, it promotes a sense of equality in their household and sets a positive example of collaboration and cooperation for kids.
Reduces Stress: Taking turns and doing tasks together helps reduce stress.
Enhances Child Development: Kids thrive in environments where they see teamwork in action. When people see parents working together to solve problems, it teaches them life skills such as communication, negotiation, and conflict resolution.
Encourages Mutual Support: When responsibilities are shared, parents offer each other emotional support during hard times. This strengthens your bond and also creates a supportive atmosphere for children.
4. Nurturing Your Relationship Beyond Parenting
Going out together and having time away from the kids is critical to your relationship. So drop them off at a relative's or friend's house and go spend the day together. Discuss ahead of time what you would like to do, and don’t be afraid to try new things. Take a cooking class. Learn to dance. Go skydiving. Exploring hobbies and interests as a couple will help you learn even more about each other and strengthen your bond.
5. Setting Boundaries with Family and Friends
Boundaries set guidelines for acceptable behavior in relationships. They help people protect their emotional well-being, foster mutual respect, and promote personal growth. If you have overbearing friends and family members, you may need to set boundaries with them. This will help protect your marital space from too much outside influence.
The first step in setting boundaries is identifying what you need and reflecting on your values, stress triggers, and past experiences. Ask yourself a few questions.
-What areas in my relationship with X feel overwhelming or uncomfortable?
-Are there specific behaviors or topics that I want to address?
-How do I make sure people respect my emotional and physical space?
Next, consider what boundaries you need to put in place. Some to consider are:
-Emotional boundaries
-Physical boundaries
-Time boundaries
-Material boundaries
To communicate your boundaries effectively to others, you need to:
-Choose the right time and place
-Use ‘I’ statements
-Be clear and specific
-Prepare for resistance
Maintaining boundaries can be difficult, so here are some things to help:
-Be consistent
-Practice self-care
-Seek support
-Adapt as necessary
6. Cultivating Intimacy Amidst Parenthood
Keeping the spark alive when having kids can be difficult. First, it’s important to realize the challenges that parents face.
Time Constraints: With extracurricular activities, household responsibilities, and work schedules, finding time alone can feel impossible.
Exhaustion: Parenting is a joy but can also be physically and emotionally exhausting, leaving no time for intimacy or romantic gestures.
Shifted Priorities: Parents shift their focus from each other to their kids.
Communication Breakdown: Effective communication may suffer because of being preoccupied with the minutiae of daily parenting.
Stress and Anxiety: Parenting comes with a new set of stressors that can easily seep into a relationship and disrupt intimacy.
But it doesn’t have to be this way. Instead…
-Prioritize quality time
-Schedule date nights
-Have stay-at-home dates
-Communicate openly and honestly
-Explore physical connection (nonsexual touch, spontaneous affection)
-Share responsibilities
-Embrace vulnerability
-Engage in Joint Activities
-Reflect and reassess what’s working and what’s not
7. Navigating Stressful Moments Together
With parenting comes stress and unique challenges. This is when you need to navigate these moments together. First, let’s look at common parenting stressors.
Work-life balance: Juggling a job and family life can lead to exhaustion and frustration.
Child development challenges: Navigating child development and behavior issues.
Financial concerns: Worries about budgeting for education, extracurricular activities, and unexpected expenses.
Social pressures and comparison: Social media creates unrealistic expectations that parents can’t live up to.
Ways to Navigate Stress Together
-Open communication
-Practice mindfulness and self-care
-Establish routines
-Collaborate in problem-solving
-Seek external support and resources
-Keep a sense of humor
8. Supporting Each Other’s Personal Growth
Parenting often means devoting all your energy to your children. However, personal growth is also very important for you to thrive as a parent. When you invest in your growth, you create a nurturing environment that encourages your children to thrive.
What Is Personal Growth?
Personal growth for parents involves a continuous evolution of skills, interests, and emotional resilience. This can be through pursuing hobbies, learning new skills, or improving mental health. Personal growth can have a profound impact, enabling parents to model a growth mindset for their children. When people are engaged on their personal journeys, they teach their children the value of perseverance, curiosity, and resilience.
How Can Parents Support Each Other’s Personal Growth?
Communicating Openly about Goals: Create a safe space for you and your spouse to discuss your goals and aspirations with each other.
Setting Shared Goals: Choose a goal you want to pursue together and make a plan for how you’re going to make it happen.
Create a Balanced Schedule: Balancing personal time with family time can be tough. Still, it’s vital to support each other’s personal growth. Coordinate your schedules so you can both pursue individual pursuits, giving you a rest from responsibility.
Encourage Learning and Development: Encourage each other to take classes and learn new things.
Practice Self-Care: Meditation, prayer, exercise, and hobbies help parents recharge and reset their mindset. Make sure each of you practices self-care at least weekly, if not daily.
Be Each Other’s Accountability Partner: Set specific milestones and keep each other accountable. Also, add a prize to help both of you stay motivated.
Embrace Vulnerability: You will have struggles and setbacks. Acknowledge them. Sharing your struggles shows your children it’s normal to face difficulties.
Celebrate Each Other’s Success: Celebrating achievements, no matter how small, has a positive effect on personal growth. Create a routine with your spouse to share and acknowledge each other’s successes.
9. Planning Date Nights and Getaways
All parents need a break from time to time. Make sure you plan weekly date nights with your spouse. They don’t have to be expensive outings; you could have a date night at home. Also, plan to get away, even for a weekend, at least twice a year. Once again, you could fly somewhere for the weekend if you have the means or get a hotel room a few towns over. Most importantly, relax and enjoy each other.
10. Creating Family Traditions That Strengthen Your Bond
Family traditions are how we bond, and this is important not just for you but for the whole family. For example, take the kids out trick-or-treating and then raid their candy for your favorites after they go to sleep. Or wrap presents together on Christmas Eve, and then put them under the tree, and make plates of cookies for Santa and yourselves. These are your own personal family traditions to do together, which can enhance your connection during the busy holiday season.
You can also do this during the summer by making s’mores together and spending quality time once the kids are asleep. Get creative with your traditions and have fun, making sure you always stay connected.
Having kids doesn’t mean you have to grow apart in your marriage. By implementing these ideas, you can continue to thrive year after year.
