How to Keep Your Faith from Falling Apart after the Church Hurts You
Spiritual Life
Audio By Carbonatix
By Denise Kohlmeyer, Crosswalk.com
In the past couple of months, I’ve wrestled with disillusionment toward the Church, particularly with regard to its leaders. At my own church, one of our pastors made some bad decisions and was put on administrative leave. After seeking counseling, he was reconciled with the congregation and restored to the pulpit. But then, without warning, he resigned. It rocked our church.
Another one of our pastors was named in a lawsuit involving a former member accused of sexual misconduct with one of our church’s youth. Then came the devastating confession of Philip Yancy’s eight-year affair with a married woman. I admired Yancy and read his books, finding much godly wisdom and insights to apply to my own walk with the Lord. I was heartbroken when I heard the news.
All three of these spiritual failures happened within a year. I became disillusioned. Although I’ve been a believer for more than 30 years and have served in many ministerial capacities, there were moments when I asked, Is this worth it? Is this what Christianity is all about? Why am I even going to church if our leaders can’t even seem to walk with integrity?
I know I’m not alone. Others are witnessing the moral collapse in their churches and becoming disillusioned. Some may even be considering leaving the church altogether, or, worse, walking away from their faith entirely.
I understand this temptation. But in all honesty, leaving a church—unless it is for theological error and widespread spiritual abuse—or abandoning one’s faith seems like the easier path. The harder, more Christ-honoring choice, however, is to remain faithful and persevere. Jesus, after all, warned us that our walk of faith would be marked with trials and temptations (John 16:33). We shouldn’t be naïve in expecting that the visible church—led by fallible men and women—is a bed of roses. It has its thorns and prickly side, too.
What are we to do, then, when the urge to walk away is overwhelming? How do we cultivate a faith that endures? How do we remain engaged with the church and its imperfect people and still hold fast to our faith?
1. Acknowledge the Hurt and Disillusionment
Acknowledging our pain and disillusionment is an act of honesty, of pouring out our hearts, like a wounded child to their loving Father. God understands our hurt, our doubts, and our grief, and he invites us to unburden ourselves so that he can begin the healing process (Psalm 31:9). “When it comes to disillusionment with others and ourselves, [God] gives us space both to reel and to heal in his presence,” writes Aimee Joseph.
“It is important to turn your focus away from the people involved and the church itself and identify the root cause of your pain, turmoil, and disillusionment. Honestly identify what you are feeling,” says GotQuestions.com. “Find out what is at the core of your hurt—not what someone said or did to you, but what is really causing your pain? When you truly identify the root of your pain, God has a balm of wisdom, compassion, and love to heal your wounds. If you call on Him for help, your focus shifts to Him and off of other people and their actions.”
Like David, a man well acquainted with grief, who repeatedly cried out to God in anguish. His prayers, like that of Psalm 102:1-2, act as a model for our own—“A prayer of an afflicted person who has grown weak and pours out a lament before the Lord. Hear my prayer, Lord; let my cry for help come to you. Do not hide your face from me when I am in distress. Turn your ear to me; when I call, answer me quickly.”
Remember that God is near to the brokenhearted, as David reminds us in Psalm 34:18.
2. Understand That Satan Is at Work
It is easy to look at the situation and the people involved and pass judgment. I did at first. “They should know better. They’re pastors, after all!” But they are also human, saved by the same grace that saved me. They are just as vulnerable to temptations and the weaknesses of the flesh (James 1:14).
Satan knows this and loves to use our flesh against us. He will especially target those in positions of spiritual leadership, tempting them just as he did Jesus, with the desire for money, power, authority, and sexual gratification. And when he succeeds, their sins often go unnoticed for months, weeks, and in Yancy’s case, even years.
When church leaders—or any believer—fails to be vigilant regarding their faith and does not daily depend on the leading of the Holy Spirit, they will become vulnerable to sinning. This is exactly where Satan wants God’s children: fallen, humiliated, and disgraced.
Yet Jesus’ words in Matthew 16:18 offer great comfort, “I will build my church, and the forces of Hades will not overpower it,” are a comfort. Satan may have his day, but Jesus will have the last say.
3. Take Refuge in Jesus
One verse that has sustained me these past months is Psalm 118:8, “It is better to take refuge in Jesus than to trust in man.” While the church is meant to be a place of love, support, and nonjudgment, there are times when it fails us. It too falls short of the glory of God. But we are not without hope. Jesus is our safe haven, a sure anchor.
Aimee Joseph writes, “Disillusionment reminds us there is only one relationship that will never fail. Rebuilding relationships requires us to place our trust in God, not man.”
Remember that Jesus is “our [only] refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble” (Psalm 46:1). And that means any kind of trouble.
4. Refocus and Remind Yourself
Over the past year, I have taken time to refocus, to remind myself of the biblical truths of the Church—what God intended:
- That the visible Church is God’s creation. It is the contemporary institution of the Old Testament Temple, where God still meets his people to reveal himself and to receive their sacrifice of worship.
- That God, our good and gracious Father, appointed sinful humans—then and now—to carry out the work of shepherding, preaching, proclaiming, making disciples, and serving—all with the help of the Holy Spirit (Matthew 16:18; Acts 1:8, 6:1-4; Titus 1:5-9).
- That the Church is not defined by its leadership—although at times it may seem like it is. Rather, it is defined by Jesus Christ and the virtues he embodies: grace, forgiveness, mercy, kindness, gentleness, humility, and sacrificial service.
- That I am part of the Church, Christ’s Bride, even though I am sometimes soiled by sin. But God is ever faithful to forgive me when I (and all others) repent (1 John 1:9).
- That all redeemed believers will be reunited with Christ at the End Times, becoming unblemished, holy, and perfect, brilliantly clothed in spotless white (Ephesians 5:25-27).
5. Forgive
Forgiveness is an act of obedience, not contingent on emotions (Matthew 6:15). Even when you don’t feel like forgiving your church or the member who offended you, it is a step you must take—sooner rather than later, lest you fall into sin yourself (Galatians 6:1b). It does not necessarily mean you need to engage again with the offender or remain in that church, but forgiveness is a biblical command. And through forgiveness, you will experience peace, unity within the Body again and with God, and continued spiritual growth.
I take great comfort in Janet Yancey’s choice to forgive her husband.
She writes: “I, Janet Yancey, am speaking from a place of trauma and devastation that only people who have lived through betrayal can understand. Yet I made a sacred and binding marriage vow 55½ years ago, and I will not break that promise. I accept and understand that God, through Jesus, has paid for and forgiven the sins of the world, including Philip’s. God grant me the grace to forgive also, despite my unfathomable trauma. Please pray for us.”
She acknowledges the pain and devastation, affirms her commitment to her vows, and pleads for God to “grant me the grace to forgive.” It will take time and likely professional and spiritual counseling to get there, but I have no doubt Janet will succeed in extending grace to her erring husband.
And so must we extend grace to those who have erred against us.
6. Honor Your Commitment
Again, Janet demonstrated the true meaning of faithfulness. “I made a sacred and binding marriage vow… and I will not break that promise.” Her commitment is ultimately to God, to the One before whom she pledged, “’til death do us part.” The road ahead will be hard and she may even feel tempted to divorce her husband—which she has the biblical right to do. Yet she declares that she will honor the vow.
We can learn a thing or two from Janet here. The key to not quitting, either on the church or your faith, lies in honoring your commitment to the good and gracious God who saved you and welcomed you into his Kingdom. The church—with all its imperfections—is God’s gift to his children for the purposes of community and unity, for spiritual growth, for worshipping him, for experiencing his presence, and for celebrating the ordinances of baptism and communion.
Yes, the temptation to disassociate yourself from the church and go into spiritual isolation may be strong, but resist it. Do not give Satan a foothold. Remain faithful to your commitment to follow Jesus, and in the meantime continue to gather with your brothers and sisters in Christ, “not neglecting to meet together, as is the habit of some, but encouraging one another, and all the more as you see the Day drawing near” (Hebrews 10:25).
Photo Credit: ©GettyImages/Maskot
Denise is a former newspaper reporter and current freelance writer. She has been published in numerous online and print publications. She is also a former Women's Bible Study teacher. Denise's passion is to use her writing to bless, encourage, and inform others. She lives outside of Chicago with her husband and two children (another has grown and flown). You can find Denise at denisekohlmeyer.com.
