What Is the Difference between Forgiving, Forgetting, and Reconciling?
Spiritual Life
Audio By Carbonatix
By Sophia Bricker, Crosswalk.com
In Jane Eyre by Charlotte Brontë, Jane turns down St. John’s offer of marriage. She can go with him as a fellow laborer on the mission field to India, but not as a wife. There exists no romantic love between them – not like the love she had experienced with Mr. Rochester. Unsurprisingly, St. John does not take the refusal well. Despite his statement that he had forgiven Jane, St. John distances himself from her and lets her know that he will remember what she had said. As Jane stated in the book, “he had forgiven me for saying I scorned him and his love, but he had not forgotten the words; and as long as he and I lived he never would forget them” (Jane Eyre, Barnes & Noble, 2020, p. 479).
It is unlikely that St. John had truly forgiven the heroine at this point in the story. Yet, even if he had, Brontë portrays an evident difference between forgiving, forgetting, and reconciling, which is true to life. Just because a person has extended the hand of grace to another does not necessarily mean the relationship can continue as normal. In the case of Jane and St. John, their friendship could never be the same as it was before his proposal of marriage.
Sometimes, Christians are too quick to equate forgiveness with these other actions, which has led to misunderstandings. Individuals may think they must reenter a relationship with everyone who has offended or hurt them. Or to act as if a sin had never occurred. But to forgive is different than forgetting or reconciling with another. We see this evidenced in the Bible with how God has chosen to deal with us. And if we are wise, we will take note of our Lord’s actions and seek to imitate Him in our daily lives while at the same time recognizing that human relationships, like the ones shown in Jane Eyre, are complicated.
God’s Mercy and Our Relationship to Him
The basis for our understanding of forgiveness should come from the merciful character of our Lord. Before any person had ever experienced the pain of being hurt by another, humans caused the Lord grief by turning away from His command and sinning against Him (Genesis 3:6-19). This action caused Adam and Eve, and all humans since, to be separated from God. No longer would He walk with them companionably through the Garden of Eden. They were exiled from the garden and cut off from a close communion with the Lord because of sin (Genesis 3:23).
If humans were the ones who caused a rift in their relationship with the Lord, then they should be the ones to fix it, right? Well, no. The gulf is too wide, and all the good deeds we try to do pale in comparison to the severity of our wrongdoings (Isaiah 64:6). On our own, there is no way to make things right with God.
But that is where the Lord has most shown His mercy and grace. Although He is not to blame for the fractured relationship, He took it upon Himself to amend it. God the Father sent the Son to die for our sins on the cross (John 3:16). Through Jesus, we are forgiven of our sins because He endured the punishment that we rightly deserve (see Colossians 1:13-14).
In addition to receiving forgiveness, we also receive the promise that God chooses not to remember our sins anymore (Isaiah 43:25; 2 Corinthians 5:19). Scripture tells us that “He has removed our sins as far from us as the east is from the west” (Psalm 103:12, NLT). If our past was a messy whiteboard, then Jesus is the eraser that has wiped it clean and made us new.
Not only that, but the Lord has made the erring rebel into a precious child. When we trust in Jesus’ death and resurrection, we are reconciled to the Lord and enter an everlasting relationship – the one for which we were created (John 17:3; Romans 5:10). The great chasm has been crossed, and we are brought near despite our former positions as outcasts and enemies of God. We are now beloved sons and daughters tasked with the ministry of reconciliation (2 Corinthians 5:18-21).
Based on the biblical evidence, forgiveness, the decision to forget sin, and reconciliation are closely related. God forgave and reconciled us to Himself, choosing not to count our sins against us. We are accustomed to hearing about the Lord forgiving us and bringing us into a relationship with Himself. However, we should not confuse these different functions, especially when we apply them to our daily lives, for they are distinct acts, even if the Lord has accomplished all of them through Christ’s death and resurrection.
What Does it Mean to Forgive?
The Lord has forgiven us because of His grace, and He calls us to deal with others in the same way. As Paul wrote in his letter to the Ephesian Christians, “Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you” (Ephesians 4:32, NIV; see also Colossians 3:13). We should be people known for mercy, offering forgiveness to others just as our loving Lord showed us grace by forgiving our sins. Withholding forgiveness does not fit who we are as followers of Jesus (Matthew 18:21-35).
Of course, this is easier said than done. Forgiveness is difficult because of the mix of emotions and events that have passed between people. For example, someone who has been deeply hurt by the actions of another will struggle to stop harboring anger and bitterness towards that person. The offense seems too severe, and justice is desired.
Yet whenever we are wronged and deeply hurt, we need to remember our Lord on the cross. Jesus died for us while we were still sinners – we had not tried to change or make amends, and He still endured death for our sake (Romans 5:8). And as the Savior hung on the cross, He forgave those who put Him there (Luke 23:34).
None of us deserve forgiveness, but the Lord gives us grace. We can forgive because of what Christ did for us. As we do, justice is not neglected, for we entrust our hurt and pain to the One who judges justly, like our Lord did (1 Peter 2:23). Vengeance belongs to Him, not us. By forgiving those who wrong us, we let go of the bitterness and hatred in our hearts – things that can destroy us if we allow them to remain in our lives.
What Is the Difference between Forgiving and Forgetting?
It is common to hear people say, “Forgiving is forgetting.” The idea is that a person’s wrongdoing has been wiped away and no longer has a bearing on the relationship. To forgive, however, is not the same as choosing not to remember an offense. Forgiving involves letting go of bitterness or hatred. The person knows what has happened and acknowledges it as wrong but chooses to extend grace.
Forgetting is associated with forgiveness but is distinct in that it involves not counting a person’s wrongdoing against him or her. God gives us forgiveness and decides not to remember our sins anymore. He knows what we did – it is not as if He developed amnesia. He has, instead, chosen not to hold our sins against us. As the Bible tells us, “I will forgive their wickedness and will remember their sins no more” (Hebrews 8:12, NIV; also see Jeremiah 31:34).
In considering the difference between these two acts, though, we do not want to downplay the evident biblical closeness between forgiving and forgetting. A believer who insists they have forgiven someone while in the next moment vowing never to forget the harm done to them conveys a paradox. Yes, there are actions and words that will continue to affect us in the future and on which we may sometimes dwell. It is not as if the hurt will be wiped from our memory. Neither does this mean we should ignore or overlook abuse or remain in a dangerous situation? However, if we are unable to lay aside an offense after extending grace, then a remnant of unforgiveness may still be nestled in our hearts.
The loving presence of the Lord enables us to not only forgive someone who has wronged us but to move on and not count the sin against the person. God does not deal with us as our sins deserve (Psalm 103:10). As imitators of Him, we should strive to do the same by the power of the Spirit.
What Does it Mean to Be Reconciled?
When we place faith in Jesus for salvation, we are reconciled to God. The separation that formerly marked our position to the Lord changes so that we are brought near to Him. Reconciliation was always part of the plan of salvation because God wants to be in a relationship with us. And that is the blessing all believers receive.
The Lord desires all people to be saved (1 Timothy 2:4; 2 Peter 3:9). But not everyone will be restored to a right relationship with the Lord because some will remain in their unbelief and reject Him. They will continue to be separated from God. Thus, Jesus has provided a way for people to receive forgiveness of sins and reconciliation with the Father. However, that does not mean everyone will accept these gifts.
Similarly, in human relationships, reconciliation is not always possible or wise. For example, a woman in an abusive marriage can arrive at a place where she can forgive her husband, but she does not have to remain in that relationship. Trust has been broken, which makes reconciliation an unwise and unsafe option. Or, in the case of a person who lost a parent because of the recklessness of a drunk driver. Over time, with the help of Christ, the individual will be able to forgive the offender – but that does not mean he or she should seek to connect with the person.
A restoration of a relationship does not always happen after forgiveness. We need to recognize this reality as we work through issues with others. There will be situations in which we should reconnect with those we have forgiven, like what we see modeled in the Bible through Joseph’s life. His brothers expressed remorse over what they had done, and Joseph forgave them and treated them kindly (Genesis 50:15-21). Other times, though, the relationship is too far gone for any hope of reconciliation. Forgiveness is still possible, but reconnecting with the person who sinned against us is not a choice in every circumstance.
We should strive to forgive others as the Lord has forgiven us while also knowing that it is not always possible to reconcile with them.
Photo Credit: ©Unsplash/Evan Kirby
Sophia Bricker is a writer. Her mission is to help others grow in their relationship with Jesus through thoughtful articles, devotionals, and stories. She completed a BA and MA in Christian ministry which included extensive study of the Bible and theology, as well as an MFA in creative writing. You can read her thoughts about literature and faith at The Cross, a Pen, and a Page Substack, or visit the discipleship-based site Cultivate, where she writes with her sister.
