Is Unsolicited Advice from Grandparents Criticism?
Parenting
Audio By Carbonatix
10:50 AM on Tuesday, October 7
By Gina Smith, Parenting
"Love one another with brotherly affection. Outdo one another in showing honor." Romans 12:10 (ESV)
I imagine that the issue of whether or not to give unsolicited advice could be traced back for centuries, and is probably one of those issues that causes the most tension between parents and adult children. Because of what my husband and I experienced when raising our children, we both vowed to do our very best to NOT offer advice unless asked and to NOT criticize our adult children's choices.
Whether it was deciding whether we could make a long-distance drive to see family, determining if we could make a dinner invitation, or choices surrounding our children's education and discipline, we always seemed to receive some kind of pushback, opinion, or criticism. This led to family drama and division. It was exhausting in every way and caused us to feel like we weren't given any room to learn and figure things out ourselves.
Every generation raises children differently, and every generation enters into becoming grandparents with an idea of what they think the relationship with their adult children and grandchildren should look like. Unfortunately, if we aren't careful, there can be a danger of entering into the season of being a grandparent with a sense of entitlement that can set us up for hurt feelings and strained relationships.
If you have experienced this conflict, you know exactly what I'm talking about and how it feels to be on the receiving end of feeling like you are never able to make a decision for your family without it causing offense or correction. I don't want that to happen with my adult children, and I know you don't want that either.
The good news is this: God's Word offers wisdom for navigating family roles with grace, humility, and joy.
For Parents:
Try to think about the heart behind the advice. Not all advice is created equal. Sometimes advice is genuinely helpful and offered with love. Other times, it may be colored by fear, control, or even nostalgia.
For me, watching my own children with their babies has caused me to remember (fondly) those early years. I have found myself having to hold back sharing what I did when my children were little. I don't always intend to correct or offer advice. It's just fun remembering! I work hard not to share everything that comes to mind, but sometimes I do find myself talking about those days. I pray that my children will show me grace and want to know my heart.
The Bible reminds us to "assume the best" about one another."Love… believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things" (1 Corinthians 13:7). In many cases, unsolicited advice from grandparents isn't meant as criticism at all—it's an expression of love, concern, or eagerness to share about their own parenting journey.
When we receive advice through this lens, it becomes easier to respond with grace rather than defensiveness.
God has given us a design for generational wisdom. Scripture is clear that older generations have an important role in guiding the younger. Psalm 145:4 says, "One generation shall commend your works to another, and shall declare your mighty acts." Deuteronomy 6:6-7 instructs us to: "These words that I command you today shall be on your heart. You shall teach them diligently to your children…" And Titus 2:3-4 states the important calling of older women: "Older women… are to teach what is good, and so train the young women to love their husbands and children."
Grandparents carry a biblical calling: to share wisdom, faith, and encouragement. They aren't called to re-parent their children's children, but they are invited to pass down spiritual and practical wisdom. When we view their advice in this light, we see it less as meddling and more as fulfilling God's design for generational discipleship.
For Grandparents:
We need to be prayerful and careful with our words. Remember, your adult children and their spouses are having to learn as they go, just like we did. We do not have the right to just speak whenever we feel like it. The same biblical principles that guide how and when we speak to others also apply to how and when we speak to our children.
We need to be aware of timing! Giving advice in the middle of a stressful moment may feel like judgment. We need to be mindful of our tone. Even good advice can sound sharp or dismissive if not delivered gently. We need to be careful with comparison; making statements like, "When I raised you…" can feel like pressure or guilt.
Ephesians 4:29 offers a principle: "Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear." Grandparents need to learn this verse, pray that it will filter into their hearts, and allow it to guide the words they say to their adult children.
We also need to learn what it means to honor roles in God's design. Genesis 2:24 lays the foundation: "Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh." Marriage creates a new family unit, with parents responsible for raising their own children. That means grandparents step into a supportive—not directive—role. It's a beautiful shift, but it requires humility. Grandparents must honor parents as the God-given leaders of their home, even if they do things differently than you did.
Romans 12:10 reminds us to "outdo one another in showing honor." Imagine what our relationships could be like if we approached advice this way – grandparents honoring parents' choices, and parents honoring grandparents' intentions.
How Can We Keep Advice From Causing Division?
Parents can try to assume that grandparents have good intentions by reminding themselves, "They love me and want to help." (1 Corinthians 13:7) You can work to respond with gratitude. A simple "Thanks for sharing what worked for you" honors the giver, even if you choose differently. And you can set loving and gentle boundaries. Proverbs 15:1 says, "A gentle answer turns away wrath." If advice becomes overwhelming, kindly say, "We're trying this way for now, but I'll let you know if we need help."
Grandparents can work to pray before speaking. Philippians 4:6 reminds us to bring everything to God first. Ask: "Lord, should I share this now, or should I pray instead?" We can strive to encourage more than we instruct by replacing "You should…" with "I'm so proud of how you are…" And we must release control. Proverbs 3:5–6 calls us to trust the Lord, not our own understanding. Trust God to teach and guide your children in their parenting.
The Bigger Picture
We want to be a blessing, not a burden. We want to love our adult children in the same way God has loved us. We want to live out our calling, as the older generation, in the way God has called us to. Psalm 78:4 says: "We will tell the next generation the praiseworthy deeds of the Lord, his power, and the wonders he has done." This is the true calling of grandparents – not to critique, but to testify to God's goodness. It is about ensuring that the next generation knows God's faithfulness.
So, is unsolicited advice from grandparents criticism? Not necessarily. Often, it's love dressed in clumsy words. Sometimes it's wisdom shared at the wrong moment. At its best, it's a God-given opportunity to connect generations and share faith. The challenge for parents is to listen with grace. The challenge for grandparents is to offer wisdom with humility. The challenge for both is to outdo one another in honor, creating a home atmosphere marked not by tension, but by encouragement and blessing.
When we do this, families shine as pictures of the gospel: imperfect people learning to love one another with patience, forgiveness, and grace.
Let's Pray:
Father, thank You for the gift of family and the generations that surround us. Give grandparents wisdom to know when to speak and when to pray. Give parents grace to hear with love and respond with honor. Protect our families from division, and instead let our words build one another up. Help us to create homes where encouragement flows freely, where advice is seasoned with kindness, and where Christ's love is the center. May our legacy be one of faith, blessing, and joy. In Jesus' name, Amen.
Photo credit: ©GettyImages/jeffbergen
Gina Smith is a wife of 37 years, mom of 2, and grandma of 3. She is a writer and author, writing her very first published book in her empty nest years. She has a passion to come alongside the younger generation to encourage them, strengthen them in God, and learn from them. You can find Gina at her website www.ginalsmith.com, and her book Everyday Prayers for Joy can be found anywhere books are sold. 
