10 Tips for Navigating Boundaries with Your Adult Children
Parenting
Audio By Carbonatix
4:00 AM on Wednesday, September 24
By Carrie Lowrance, Parenting
1. Limit Financial Support
There is not one parent I know that wouldn't help their child financially if they were in a serious situation. For example, if they lost a job, their business failed after giving it their best shot, or they left an abusive relationship or need a little extra to hold them over until they get back on their feet. These are all legitimate reasons for helping your adult child when they are down.
The other side of this equation is the scenario where your adult kids are constantly getting themselves into financial binds. If you are a responsible parent, the right thing to do is support them with advice but let them figure things out on their own.
However, you will want to set some boundaries here. Talk to your child and set specific guidelines on how much financial support you will give, for how long, and under what circumstances. I would also put all of it in writing and have you and your child sign the document in case there are issues later. If you are contributing a large sum of money, I would talk to an attorney first to get some advice on handling it correctly.
Photo credit: ©GettyImages/kupicoo
2. Resist the Impulse to Rescue
No parent wants to see their child in difficult situations. Still, let them learn from their mistakes. If you bail them out all the time, they will not learn anything and will expect you to do so all the time.
People whose parents rescue them from everything grow up to be people you don't want to be around. They think they are entitled, above the law, and have no consideration for others. I've seen this firsthand in my family.
Photo credit: ©GettyImages/Ivan Pantic
3. Require Them to Pay Rent and Expenses
If you are in a situation where your child has to live at home or return home, require them to pay half the rent and expenses. There is nothing wrong with this.
While living at home, I have always paid half the rent and expenses plus personal expenses like gas for my car, personal items, and going out with friends. Your adult child may find it awful, but you are being responsible. In certain situations, if they can only pay a third or a quarter of the expenses, that's up to you to work out. But have them pay for something no matter what.
4. Build Your identity
Spending all your time with your child when you live together is easy. It probably isn't even a conscious thing, you just do it naturally. As great as this is that you're close, you need to build your own identity. Go out and do things, make friends and spend time with them, date if you're single. It's crucial that you have an identity outside of your relationship with your children. And encourage them to do the same. Not only will this break the monotony in your relationship, but you will have lots of new things to talk about.
5. Respect Their Autonomy
Even though you raised your kids to be good human beings with ethics and morals, they may still make choices that differ from yours. This is something you will have to live with and navigate carefully with your children. Instead of being frustrated, angry, or disappointed, open up a conversation about why the decision they made and why they thought it was a good one. Don't criticize or judge, listen. This could open up a whole new line of communication between the two of you.
6. Set Emotional Boundaries
Set emotional boundaries by letting your kids know what is and is not okay. Let your kids know you are glad to listen, but you can't fix it. If they want advice, you will give it. Most importantly, let them know they are responsible for their own happiness.
Remind them that things are going to happen in life that will set off their emotions. These situations can be both good and bad. They can't go around blaming other people when it's a bad thing. There may be times when someone else caused their misery, say, when they get fired. Regardless, they need to know that their happiness is up to them and that they have to make the required changes to live a happy, productive life.
7. Require Them to Respect Your Privacy
Privacy is a big deal whether you are living with your adult child or not. One thing to remember is that this is a two-way street, and boundaries must be set.
For children living at home, you will need to set boundaries when entering rooms, accessing each other's belongings, and plans to have guests over—for example, requiring your child to knock and not enter your room until they get an answer. Don't barge in. With accessing your personal belongings, ask first. Your mom may plan on wearing that dress out to lunch with friends, or your dad may need to use his laptop for work. With guests over, parents and children should let the other party know ahead of time. And no, not like the night before. There should be a rule set that each party lets the other know at least one to two weeks ahead of time if company is coming. Then, everyone can plan their schedules accordingly.
If children live outside the home, require them to call or text before they come over. Consider whether you want them to have a house key. If they are bringing friends with them, let you know.
Photo credit: ©GettyImages/pixdeluxe
8. Make Communication Preferences Known
Communication in any relationship is important, but sometimes it can get a little overboard. Set boundaries with your children on how you want them to contact you.
Make it clear whether you want to be contacted by text, email, or phone call. The last thing you need is them interrupting a phone call at your work or an important phone call you are on at home. You don't want your phone blowing up all day at work. You may also want to set up a separate email account for emails from your kids so they don't get lost in the shuffle.
You will need to set limits on how often your children can contact you. Let them know how often you would like to hear from them and that blowing up their phone and sending a thousand emails isn't acceptable. Of course, unless it is a dire emergency. Remind them you have a life too and won't be there to respond in twenty-four hours like you are customer support at a company.
Require your children to be considerate in their communication. Also, if you have something coming up out of the ordinary, like a business trip or a meeting at work that may take several hours, let your children know. This way, if you take longer to respond, they won't think something happened to you.
Like with the privacy issue, the communication issue is a two-way street. You need to respect their communication boundaries as well, so have a detailed conversation about this so everyone is on the same page.
Photo credit: ©GettyImages/Adene Sanchez
9. Set Boundaries for Time and Availability
You have your own life to live and things you enjoy doing. You can't be available to your children 24/7, and they need to realize this and respect it.
Look at your calendar and see what times you are available for socializing, attending family events, and assisting your children with something if they need it. Block out these times and send them in an email or a screenshot of your calendar to your kids. This way, they can't say they didn't realize you weren't available, and everyone will be on the same page.
10. Let Them Transition to Adult Care
If your child has a medical issue or mental illness, it is painful to watch them live with these issues. Even though you want to be there for them, there may come a time when they don't want you involved much or at all. This can be very hard, but you need to respect their wishes in this area. It doesn't mean they don't love you, it just means that they need to manage their care on their own to get the help they need.
Navigating boundaries with your children can be difficult at first, but with clear, honest communication and a commitment from both parties to respect the other, you can live a happy, respectful life with your adult children.
