9 ways to find a long-lost family member (and what to do when you actually find them)
Lifestyle
Audio By Carbonatix
2:00 PM on Monday, June 8
By Trevor Mahoney for Spokeo, Stacker
9 ways to find a long-lost family member (and what to do when you actually find them)
Some distances can’t be measured in miles. A sibling given up for adoption. A parent who disappeared before you were old enough to form a memory. A cousin from a distant branch of the family who stopped sending annual Christmas cards.
The absence of a family member is a unique kind of pain. But thanks in large part to the rise of consumer DNA testing, searching for lost relatives has moved from being a niche curiosity to a pursuit millions embark on every year.
Knowing you want to find someone is one thing but knowing how to actually go about it is another. Plus, the search itself is only the beginning. What happens when you find the person you’re searching for?
If you’re ready to get started on your search for a long-lost connection, Spokeo has put together a list of nine ways to track down family members and how to approach establishing contact.
Before you search: Know your starting point
Before choosing an approach to tracking down your family member, it’s important to set your expectations by reviewing what you know. The amount of information you already have on them is a good starting point. Having a full name, last known city, birth year, or even a single photograph will help to narrow which methods are most likely to be successful.
It’s also worth pausing to consider what you hope to get out of your search. Some people are looking for medical history or answers about identity. Some are looking to establish a relationship again. Regardless of your reasoning, being clear with yourself about your intentions won’t just help you choose a method, but will also help you navigate whatever comes next.
Finally, you should also take into account the legal and ethical consequences of the search. Laws around accessing adoption records, for instance, vary from state-to-state. Open records laws that allow adult adoptees to access original birth certificates are in place in some states, but others still restrict access. Knowing the laws in your state can save you significant time and frustration.
The nine approaches to finding lost family
The following nine methods to track down lost family will suit different individuals, but be aware that no search will guarantee success. It can still take years or mixing and matching methods to see success.
Approach 1: DNA testing services and shared match trees
Consumer DNA testing has become one of the most powerful tools for finding biological records in recent years. Services like AncestryDNA, 23andMe, and MyHeritage DNA compare your genetic markers against a database of other users and unveil matches. This search can find people who share unique DNA segments with you, ranked by the estimated relationship they have.
The real detective work typically comes from the shared-match feature most sites offer. By identifying a cluster of people who all match one another, in addition to you, you can typically reconstruct a family tree even if the person you’re looking for hasn’t tested themselves. The main limitation with this method is that the relative you’re searching for, or a close relative of theirs, needs to be in the database. The more popular the testing service and the larger the database, the better your odds. Testing over multiple platforms naturally increases your chance of success as a result, but the cost can add up.
Approach 2: Genealogy research through Ancestry and FamilySearch
Traditional genealogy research through platforms like Ancestry.com and FamilySearch, a free nonprofit, can sometimes fill in branches of a family tree going back generations.
FamilySearch is maintained by The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints and offers free access to billions of digitized records ranging from birth certificates, census data, marriage licenses, and more. Ancestry.com has a subscription fee but adds in additional information such as military records, newspaper archives, and more.
For those trying to find a living relative, as opposed to just tracing ancestral history, these platforms work best when combined with DNA evidence. You can use records in these databases to identify and verify the names that a genetic match may have pointed you to.
Approach 3: Social media searches
It may seem too simple at first, but a targeted social media search is often one of the more productive steps you can take. Facebook, Linkedin, and Instagram can all surface a person if you have their full name and a rough idea of their location.
Some strategies here will work better than others. For instance, searching Facebook groups organized around specific areas of the world or graduating classes can turn up people who don’t appear in a standard word-based search. LinkedIn is more useful if you have information about the person’s job. Instagram and TikTok will serve you better if you know hashtags they may be associated with or if they are tied to certain communities.
Social media searches are best used as a confirmatory or contact tool once another method has pointed you towards a name. They’ll be less useful for you if you have limited information to start. Further, this is where you will want to be thoughtful about your first message, as social media has a personal feel.
Approach 4: Public records and people search services
Public records such as birth, death, marriage, divorce, and court documents can be a goldmine of significant personal information to aid you in your search. This data is often aggregated by people search services, which compile publicly available information into searchable profiles.
These services are most useful if you have a name and general geographic area. They’ll typically return associated addresses, phone numbers, and family members, which can help you confirm you’ve found the correct person or give you new leads if you’ve bumped into a dead end. Something important to keep in mind is that the information in search databases isn’t always up to date. Some people may have also chosen to keep their information private.
Approach 5: Reverse phone and address lookups
If you have a phone number or address for someone, but aren’t sure who it actually belongs to, a reverse lookup tool can help. These allow you to enter a phone number and the tool returns a potential name and location associated with it. Entering an address can provide historical records of the current or past residents.
These tools are most beneficial when you’re already deep into your search or when another method has given you a partial lead you need to verify. They’re less useful as a starting point unless you already have a phone number or address in hand. There are limitations with this method, as cell phones are less consistently indexed than landlines, so reverse phone lookups are more reliable for older individuals or businesses.
Approach 6: Reaching out through mutual relatives
Sometimes, the most direct approach to finding a lost family member is already in front of you. Talking to a grandparent, aunt, uncle, or cousin who stayed in touch with that person may yield contact information or, at a minimum, a willingness to pass along a message. This approach works best when you have a warm relationship with the intermediary and when the lost family member is more likely to reply to them.
It also maintains the lost relative’s privacy. Be sure to handle these conversations with care. The mutual relative may have complicated feelings about estrangement or getting caught in the middle. Come in without any assumptions and express gratitude for any help they can offer.
Approach 7: Alumni networks and religious community directories
Institutional records like high school and college alumni databases or church directories can be useful resources when you know where a person went to school or attended religious services.
Alumni associations often maintain contact databases specifically meant to help people reconnect and many may be willing to forward a message on your behalf without disclosing contact information. Church and religious community records often go back generations and sometimes include addresses, family relationships, and dates that can fill in genealogical gaps.
FamilySearch also maintains a guide to locating U.S. church records by denomination, which can be helpful if you know the person’s affiliation. For school-based searches, try to reach out directly to the alumni association.
Approach 8: Adoption registries and state-mandated reunion services
For searches involving adoption, a specialized set of resources exists. Adoption registries allow birth parents and adoptees to register their willingness to make contact in the future. When both parties agree, the registry facilitates the connection. The International Soundex Reunion Registry is one of the longest-running mutual consent registries in the world, around since 1975.
As a starting point, learn state-by-state access laws and reunion information. The American Adoption Congress maintains this information and is a useful place to begin. Many states now have updated open record laws and, as of recent years, the bulk of states allow adult adoptees to access their original birth certificates. However, rules around intermediaries and consent still vary.
Approach 9: Professional search angels
Search angels are volunteer genealogists and researchers who help individuals like adoptees or those conceived via donor search for their biological family. They do this at no charge in most cases. These volunteers have expertise in genetic genealogy, DNA analysis, and records research that many people searching on their own just don’t have.
Search Angels and DNA Angels are two reputable names in this space. Both match searchers with trained volunteers who can help you to interpret DNA results, build family trees, and identify new leads. These services are most helpful when you’ve already gathered DNA results but are having trouble making sense of the results. They can also be useful if you’ve hit a wall and just need a fresh set of eyes to look at the information.
What to do when you find a long-lost family member
Finding a lost family member and confirming their identity is a moment people spend years working towards. The prospect of a reunion can bring feelings of excitement, trepidation, and fear, which is why what follows the discovery and how you handle it matters. Here are a few tips that can help you manage the process with care and thoughtfulness.
Preparing before first contact
Before you reach out to the person you’ve discovered, give yourself some time to sit on the information. Think through the possible scenarios. Some people may be overjoyed. Some may be confused and cautious. Others may not respond at all. You need to prepare yourself emotionally for a range of outcomes, including the less positive ones, to properly protect yourself.
If you’ve been in contact with an adoption counselor, therapist, or some type of support group, now is a good time to check in. The American Adoptions network and other similar organizations offer counseling specific to this phase of the search process.
First-contact etiquette
A letter or email is typically better than an unannounced phone call or visit. Written communication gives the contacted party time to process the information privately at their own pace, without being put on the spot. Aim to keep the initial message warm, yet brief. Introduce yourself, explain how you found them, and make it clear what you’re hoping to get out of reaching out. Avoid putting any type of pressure on the recipient or overwhelming them with the first message, opting instead to just give them room to respond.
If you’ve reached out through a mutual relative, follow their lead on both timing and approach. They may be aware of the other person’s emotional state or have information that can impact first contact.
Preparing for a response that may not come
Not everyone wants to be found, so you need to be prepared for every eventuality. A non-response is a hard outcome to sit with, but it is an answer in and of itself. Searchers are encouraged to send one thoughtful message, then typically wait several weeks to a few months before trying a follow-up. Repeatedly reaching out when there’s no response can be perceived as intrusive and might close a door that would have opened in time.
When a relative doesn't want contact
If a family member declines contact, whether directly or through an intermediary, honoring their boundary is always the right thing to do. It may be painful, especially after so much time spent searching, but it’s that person’s right. It’s also the only thing that leaves open the possibility of a different answer someday, now that the other person is aware you want to make contact.
Their reasons may have nothing to do with you. It doesn’t mean the search wasn’t worth doing. The other person just may not be ready now. Some state reunion registries allow you to provide a letter or update contact information so that if the relative ever changes their mind they can reach out.
Protecting yourself and lost family
Searching for a lost family member is an act of both hope and courage. Regardless of the method you use and wherever your search leads, the process itself can be illuminating. You can learn where you came from, get resolutions to questions you’ve long held, and potentially find the beginning of something you didn’t even know was possible. Navigate the process carefully and honestly, while also giving yourself and the person you’re searching for the grace to find your way through it at whatever pace is required.
This story was produced by Spokeo and reviewed and distributed by Stacker.
